Bots, Bongs, and Bay'tin

The Great Hibernation

2011-01-08T02:34:00.001-08:00

I just dont like music that is aboot pimping as i used to. I find it rather depressing. There are a lot of albums that I used to love that I no longer even fancy. It is just kind of gross.

anyway, as many people who smoke too much pot tend to do I come up with a lot of of ideas for movies or songs or stuff that I will never actually execute but rather just use it as conversational masterbation. But, the idea is for a short story about a guy who sits down after everyone leaves at a baseball game and has a garbage bag and collects all the discarded french fries so that he can bring them home to his family to feed them. He has a big freezer and he saves all the discarded food he collects. Left over chicken tenders are the holy grail of discarded food he finds.
During the end of the season, he must collect more than usual to save up for the off season. During the off season, they do not eat. This is why left over chicken tenders become so crucial.
The man is sad but he might make you want to cry because he is having such a difficult time collecting discarded food after baseball games. Some might say why not get a regular job where one could purchase food that has not not been eaten by someone else. But the truth is he just really likes baseball and even more than he likes baseball he likes to complain.

MY FIXED GEAR LIFESTYLE

2010-11-14T20:58:00.000-08:00

I pose a question:
Is it possible to ride a certain type of bicycle and not be an asshole?
For me, apparently it is not.
I once hated fixed gears. I thought they were horrible and I thought the people who rode them were horrible. I felt this way for a long time.
One day I found a fixed gear. I always thought it was cool. It was a guilty pleasure like the counting crows. This turned me into a fixed gear sympathizer. "Yeah I have a fixed gear, but I'm not like those other assholes who ride them," I thought. And for a while I wasnt...

Fast forward two years later and I am just another hipster who has a fixed gear. I judge people who have brakes. I think to myself, "You might think you are cool with your fixed gear but you have a brake. You are a loser. Oh, you put your foot down at red lights? You are an idiot. I can track stand all day. I could probably jerk off and trackstand. If you know any girls that want to fellate me while I trackstand send them my way. As long as she have feather earrings. I am better than you, not only at fixed gearing, but probably at life."

This should give you a pretty good idea about how insecure I am.

I constantly feel the need to go faster than everyone. When I bike down market, I need to be ahead of the pack. If someone thinks they can go faster than me, I will literally do whatever I need to to keep up or pass them.

I can skid stop with the best of them. I will rock out on a 15 foot skid with some sweet fishtailing in front of girls at busstops and think it is moistening their vaginas when in reality they probably think, "what an idiot."

I started all of this with the intention that I would exist as just another person on a bicycle. As you can see, it did not turn out that way.

Its sad, but that is an incredibly accurate representation of how I feel as I ride my fixed gear bicycle around.

Why not have brakes? my ego...
It is hard to admit, but I would never ride a fixed gear bike with a brake. I should be able to. I should be able to not care what people think about me and live my life as best I know how. But...I will not ride with a brake.

If anyone actually reads this, your opinion of me will no doubt go downhill. That is ok. As I said, this is how I feel for better or worse.

Dont cry

TIP TUBE!

2010-11-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

here is a good idea:
TIP TUBE!

it is exactly what it sounds like. rather than a jar, it is a tube that you put tips in. The tube will make the tipping experience more exciting for both the tipper and the tipee.

This is the kind of outside of the box thinking that has never landed me a job where I get tips.

Nonetheless, I feel that someone should do this. The jar is played.

Its fun sliding coins down anything.

Ideally, the business the tip tube would be in would have something to do with tubes. This might be a stretch but if people were presented with the opportunity to say "tubular" before, after, or during the time they are tipping that would really bring this whole thing together.

I wish I had more money.
When I do, I bet I will be wishing for the same thing.

New Pants + Semen = old pants

2010-02-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

The official moment that your new pants become no longer new is when you get semen on them. Sometimes this could take quite while. We may have different ideas of what quite a while means. None the less, it is a special moment for a pair of pants and one which should be celebrated. There is no need to invite close friends. just you and your pants should be satisfactory for such a celebration. Its kind of like a bar mitzvah for your pants. you have seen them grow up. you remember when you took the tags off. now they have semen on them they have surely made the jump from adolescence to young adulthood.
Semen on your pants should really be a private matter between you and your pants. depending on the location where the semen ended up on your pants, you could maybe sport a tall-t to hide the semen stain.
I should probably ask a girl but i would imagine the bigger the semen stain on your pants the more impressed girls will be. or dudes. women want a man who is real poh-int.

DOORBUSTERS!

2009-11-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

Full of food. Set your alarm. Wake upon when alarm beckons. GET SOME FUCKING DOORBUSTERS! Retail prices are for assholes. Get a free gift. Become so excited you might explode. Drink some water. Cool Down. DOORBUSTERS! They call them doorbusters because when the store opens you bust in the fucking door and get your free gift and get some deals!
Go to liquor stores and ask what it do with the doorbusters. Demand doorbuster prices. Try to buy things from people on the street they are not selling. DO NOT settle for a high price. you deserve a doorbuster.
Do not limit doorbusters to buying things. Involve doorbusters in your sex life.
Everyone thinks women are the only thing that like the doorbuster but this is not true. Man like the doorbuster to. big TV? SIIIIIIICK! better bust in. doorbusters!

How to Pee at the Beach

2009-06-28T16:18:00.000-07:00

99% of the time i say fuck the beach. I do go sometimes but I try to avoid the sand which makes it difficult to socialize. I did make an exception yesterday as the weather was quite divine. After downing a couple brohnsons i suddenly realized that I needed to release some urine and time was of the essence as my bladder was quite full. Usually I will pee wherever I please when in front of public but there were a lot of little kids around and with no structure to face as the urine goes a flyin i wanted to avoid any little kids seeing my penis. Not being a sex offender is high on my list of things I want to do with my life. Hoping to avoid the social faux pas of peeing in my pants I had to think quick. Here is a short tutorial on how to pee at the beach:

1) dig yourself a hole. unless you always have shovel handy your hands will probably suffice. avoid digging this hole next to small children.

2) get yourself a beach towel. Unzip your pants ahead of time. Approach the hole you have dug as though you are not about to pee in it. That's kind of the vibe you are going for throughout this process. Put the towel on your back kind of like a cape and lay down upon the hole with your penis positioned above the hole.

3) let the urine loose!

The towel will help you to pee without public noticing. Its always good to cover up the hole after you are done. If executed properly, you too can pee at the beach without having to introduce yourself to your new neighbors as having exposed yourself to children. good luck.

RIP MICHAEL JACKSON

2009-06-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

ive been thinking about doing this post for a while and in light of the man's death i guess now is a good time. Two years ago i got really into "I always feel like someones watching me" with rockwell. Shortly after that i found some other fantastic songs using that as a sample. here is a brief list. there might be more.

Michael Jackson "Somebodys watching me"
whats not to like.

Master P "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me"
Master P's verse is fucking fire. Besides the fact that he refuses to "run from any motherfucking white folks" i especially like the part where the crackhead offers P a ride yet P still feels it neccesary to put his gun to the guys head.

Killa Tay featuring Fat Tone "Jocking Me"
Fat Tone? yeah. Great spin on the classic track. I cant really relate to other peoples bitches jocking me but it sounds like an exciting/stressful position to be in.

The Pack "I'm Shinnin'"
Let the good times roll.

rip to the king of pop

What Happend At Work Today Part 3

2009-03-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

We sell holsters. most of the time, people buy them for some sort of costume. Less often the customer will make it clear it is being purchased for a gun they own. Today, an old guy came in and wanted to see the holsters. He didnt look like a costume party kind of guy to me but you never know. I showed him a couple different kinds. After carefully looking at each one he told me he had his gun with him but didnt know if it was a good idea to pull it out. I suggested he could use the fitting room as long as he was "extra careful." after some time in the fitting room i asked if he needed any help. he asked me to help secure the shoulder strap. it was a tight squeeze with me, the old man, and his gun in that fitting room but in the end it all worked out. he liked it so much he wore it out.

What Happend At Work Today Part 2

2009-03-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

A man stumbled in with a walker. I inquired as to whether or not he would require my assistance in finding his desired purchase. He mumbled something about just getting out of general. He smelled pretty bad but considering my personal frequency of bathing, this sort of thing does not really bother me. The man found his way to our selection of sweatpants, released his hands from the walker, and hit the deck like he was in one of those trust exercises and his partner was untrustworthy. He spent the next 45 minutes on the floor. He spent roughly the first 15 minutes getting his pants off. I went to check on him and he was lying on the floor naked except for a tshirt and socks. The smell was getting worse but again, who i am to judge? He selected the sweatpants he wanted. A nice hunter green. good choice! he then spent the next 15 minutes getting the pants on. The remaining 15 minutes were spent napping. When he left I went to check out the location where it all went down. I could not believe it. He had left us a little gift in the form of feces from his personal collection. Customers began walking in and leaving quite quickly. action had to be taken. That very day my coworker gave me a spiders jersey which i have wanted for a very long time. Because of this I felt it was my duty to clean up the mess. I got a bag and put it over my mouth and wiped up the poop, vomiting in the bag as i cleaned. it was a great day.

What Happend At Work Today Part 1

2009-01-28T22:34:00.000-08:00

Two large Hispanic men entered the store and started looking at stuff. I guess they had parked their car in the cut-out just outside the store and therefore felt it necessary to check periodically if their car was being ticketed or towed away. After about ten minutes one went to go check on the car and came back, his dark skin turned pale in fright. He started screaming at his friend in Spanish. It was odd to see such intimidating gentlemen so frightened especially since I did not know what it was they were scared of. What I made out was that some people were in their car. They looked like the type of guys who could handle a situation like this but another factor seemed to have entered the scenario in which they knew they would not get their car back. After some quick debating over the situation, two knives were purchased, my fellow employee was instructed to keep the change, and a request was made by them to be let out the back of the store.
Two minutes later a young African American gentlemen entered the store. After a quick look around he asked me, "where those two fat Mexican niggas went." I told him I was not sure who he was referring to as many obese peoples of all colors come to my lovely place of employment. "Fuck that," he said as he continued his search of the entire store including the back area which has a sign clearly stating employees were only allowed in that area. Although I sometimes enjoy being a dick about people going back there I thought that this was one of those times when I should live and let live. I told him maybe they had left out the front which he said was impossible as many of his close friends were waiting there. I inquired about what was going on and he told me that the two obese Hispanic men in question had something which belonged to him. Then he left.
Two minutes can make all the difference in the world. Two minutes can be the difference between living a lonely life of masturbation and constant cheeseburger consumption and finding a true love. Two minutes can also be the difference of a somewhat interesting story about my day at work and a bloody may-lay; the results of which might cut into my precious time at work.

I'm A Fucking Humanitarian

2008-05-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to maintain a blog when you spend the majority of your time being a fucking humanitarian all the time. It takes a tole on you mentally and physically, especially around the penis-area. Whether it be trying to hook up your insane little brother with your car that does not work in exchange for an ipod, which it turns out also does not work, or awkwardly making conversation with the blind while waiting for the bus, whenever I can, I display my king arthur-esque chivalry. My latest act of being a totally cool dude occur ed where it usually does when I was wandering around the train tracks by my house. I came upon a homeless who quickly offered me an expensive bicycle for the mere price of twomp dollar. He said he would throw in a laptop (and the charger!) for free. I jumped on that shit like an old couple searching for an antique dresser who happened to find the exact antique dresser they were looking for. The bike had a U-lock on the bike already which i found odd. The man i bought it from informed me that the person he had stolen it from had only used some other kind of kind of "faggot" lock and then went on to tell me how stupid she was. He also told me how this sort of business transaction was real "frisco shit." So there I was with an awesome new bicycle and a laptop, which turned out to work.
It was the next day in my math class when my humanitarian nature kicked in like a women's sex drive somewhere in her late twenties to early thirties. Although I had already recieved an offer for one hundred dollars and zero cents for the bike, I did what Kirby Pucket would have done and threw the bike up on craigslist asking for a description and that I would give the bike back. It was later that night that I received a phone call from the owner who was super pumped on me and it seemed she totally wanted to mouthiphy my wang. When i gave the bike back the next day, my humanitarian ways totally payed off. I increased my karma points like, by like, fuckin, 10 points, which is a fucking lot. She also gave me eighty bucks which was awesome as being a humanitarian totally paid off. As we were departing from each other, she awkwardly told me that she had been joking with her boyfriend about how she should mouthiphy my wang. It kind of caught me off guard so i kind of laughed like you might laugh at a really scary dude telling you a racist joke. I had told her already about my small girlfriend so she said she was off the hook. In a perfect world we would not have money but rather we could barter goods and services for sexual favors. I know a couple guys that would be millionaires.
As for the laptop, I also put that up on craigslist but have recieved no responses. As much as I would like to take another hit of Air Jordan Heroin and continue to blow my money on shoes, I once again took the Mother Teresa route and told my coworker that I would give it to her. She has never owned a computer because she doesn't want her sons "jacking off all the time." its an understandable concern but when I told her about all the cheap angel figurines you can buy on EBay she was sold. I also split 40 sets of skateboard wheels that the dude stole from the Delux warehouse which I will be selling or trading for Luna Bars. If you want some skate wheels for cheaps or if you have an impressive stockpile of Luna bars maybe we can work something out. Get at your dude.

Speech Class

2008-03-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

I am taking a speech class at school. Much like Michael Jordan thought he would be good at baseball, I thought I would be good at giving speeches. I guess that is a pretty bad comparison. Maybe I am the Michael Jordan of bong ripping. Maybe not. Anyhoo, here is a horrible speech I gave last week. I did not rehearse it and after I got home from work I read it over. It kind of reads like a bad stand up routine. Enjoy if you can:

Good morning everyone. How many of you are sick and tired of biting into a delicious sandwich only to have its contents tumble back onto your plate, or worse your lap. Unless you enjoy having dirty pants, a non-structurally sound sandwich has the potential to ruin any good Samaritans day. Don’t you wish you could just get the whole contents of the sandwich in your mouth without having to worry about the sandwich falling apart? To all of you fed up consumers out there, there is an option for you besides putting whatever you like in a sandwich between two pieces of bread and that option is called the tortilla. The tortilla will encase what it is you enjoy eating in a friendly looking cylindrical container where your food is guaranteed to remain well within the boundaries of the eating surface and your mouth.

Whatever your favorite food is, chances are you could put it in a tortilla. During this speech I will inform you about the history of the tortilla and propose a couple of affordable recipes you may have overlooked directly involving the tortilla. Tortillas are affordable and what with soaring bread prices these days, they will not only help you masticate on your favorite snack in fashion, but they will help you keep your hard earned money.

Tortillas have been around long before Europeans came to America. They are made from finely ground corn or wheat flour. Flour tortillas are a product of regions of Mexico not having the ability to grow corn in certain areas. Tortillas have been used and prepared in many different ways throughout history. They are the backbone of the Mexican diet. Tortillas are made by grinding down hardened corn kernels. The kernels, at first are too difficult to grind down because they are so hard. In order to get them to a state in which they can be grinded down into a powder, the kernels are cooked with lime, which removes the hard husk surrounding the kernel. After the husk is removed, the kernels are ready to be grinded down into a powder. The powder is then formed into balls and shaped into a flat circle where it is then cooked.

The Aztec diet was based on tortillas and remains today the backbone of the Mexican diet. Tortillas are a very versatile bread which can be used to wrap around anything. An example of this is the chilimaccuritto which utilizes chili, macaroni, and of course, the tortilla. For those of you who crave affordable snacks which are easy prepare and serve as a nice mid-day snack as well as a late night treat for those of you dedicated students burning the midnight oil, the chilimaccuritto can not be beat. It will leave your stomach full as well as your wallet. As someone who has never made more than ten dollars an hour I am well versed in getting the most for my money when it comes to dining. With the knowledge I will share with you for how to make the chilimacurrito, you can prepare your own or tweak the recipe to your satisfaction.

Mixing chili with macaroni is a meal widely enjoyed in the Midwest and can even be found on menus in restaurants out there. Rather than spending time dillydallying with a fork, just use a tortilla to wrap up the whole snack and avoid the mess. Whatscookingamerica.net says that tortillas are commonly used as eating utensils. Perhaps they too were hoping to avoid washing the dishes.

Whatscookingamerica.net also mentions how the versatility of the tortilla is seemingly endless. For this reason, I would encourage you to put whatever you want within a tortilla the next time you make your favorite meal. I have put everything from macaroni and cheese to Chinese food within the confines of the timeless tortilla. Next time you get some take out Indian food, mix some rice with chicken tika masala, throw it into a tortilla and have a blast! Even you non meat eaters out there can get in on the fun with a salad wrapped tightly within a tortilla. Heck, you could even blend a cheeseburger and put that inside a tortilla.

In conclusion, I hope that you will ponder the amazing history of the tortilla next time you scarf one down and that you give one of my recipes a whirl next time you are feeling lonely and/or desperate. Thank you.

i got a C. i was just happy i didnt fail.

Suddenly my penis is looking a bit larger!

2008-03-06T22:53:00.000-08:00

There are countless benefits to having a small girlfriend. Where to begin I do not even know. Financially, the benefits are endless. Everything from paying 50 cents on MUNI and telling the driver she is your little sister to getting the 12 and under kids meal at Denny's, my girlfriends lack of mass comes in handy like a hankey! While she stays small my pockets stay relatively fat. I'm all about cutting corners. Think about this...

if you are throwing pokes to broads this size your penis is gonna look pretty small. This poor gentlemen pictured above probably has a normal sized penis but next to this behemoth woman he would be lucky to pleasure her with his leg.

side note: i have this great joke for when I finally get drunk enough to do some stand up comedy about having sex with Tahoe Tessie. The joke is how I am jumping on a trampoline using my body to enter whatever sort of sexual "hole" she may have. The punchline is me asking if she is close.

Anyhoo, having sex with short girls is highly recommended by me and I would even go as far as to say, "once you go small you never go tall!" Suddenly my (in my opinion) normal sized penis looks hella humungy next to my five foot feline. My (in my opinion) normal sized penis used to draw questions from girls such as "do you think I enjoy that?" and "I thought you said you had done this before?" That is all in the past as my penis now acts as a mode of transportation to (in my opinion) pleasuretown!

Team of the 80's...

2007-12-26T01:40:00.000-08:00

What a find. Jerry rice has always made me uncomfortable when he talks and his verse in this song is no exception. It was easy to like the 49ers when I was 10 and they won every time. Im kind of a fairweather fan. except for the San Francisco Spiders. They werent the best team out on the ice but they IHL hockey was pretty entertaining stuff.

Spinner the Spider always got me pumped. And erections.
With no regard for his own safety, Spinner's trademark move to keep the crowd from leaving was to roll down the stairs at the Cow Palace from the top down to the ice. Spinner was well known for scaling the glass around the ring and interfering with the game. One time my dad and I were walkign up to buy tickets and some bigshot way up high with the organization gave us VIP tickets right up in front of the glass. Some guy brought us down there and it turned out that the VIP were just old couches in front of the glass. The view was still cool with me though. My brother couldnt give a fuck what was going on. He was always trying to break his hotdog eating records. Sometimes your biggest competition is yourself.

these uniforms were pretty awesome.

A lesson to be learned...

2007-12-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

It's a good thing I almost lit my house on fire. My head was getting pretty big. This sort of brought me back to reality. My roommate, who is known to give me a good beat-down every couple of weeks, can be ill-tempered at times. After the fire was put out I looked into his nazi-esque eyes and nothing needed to be said. I fucked up pretty bad and all the kidney punches in the world could not reinforce that any further. You live and you learn. In my case I learned that cigarettes could cause fires. I thought that was just an urban myth. I guess I was wrong.

Cellski - Playin Wit Fire
This is one of my favorite freestyle mix tape songs. off volume 1 which is my second favorite to volume 2. "we hustle hard from may to may."

Ohio Players - Fire
Fuck yeah.

i you have never masturbated to these guys album covers you are really missing out.

It could have been a lot worse.
If the flame had reached all of that flammable bucket paint I dont think I would have been able to contain the beast. The nylon chairs are also far from fire proof. If the fire had reached my roommates room, I would not be alive today to tell you this sad tale. For now I have the whole scene covered with trashbags that look like a fun fort so my upstairs neighbors dont see and snitch to my landlord. Im not moving back in my birthgivers. I aint going back!

safety first

2007-12-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

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I have always looked down on people who burn down their own houses like they are rift-raft scum. Who the fuck burns shit accidentally? I always figured if you had running water the problem would sort of handle itself with some quick thinking and an accessible bucket. Unfortunately for me, the only bucket I have in my house is on my back deck filled with dry leaves, my hair, and nearly 1,000 cigarette butts. I used to put my cigarette butts in forty bottles. I have nearly three filled up which I plan on using for some sort of hilarious prank. The only prank I have thought up so far is throwing the forty filled with cigarettes at an unsuspecting woman from a car. Because I do not own a car anymore (I sold it to my younger brother for an ipod which, as it turns out, does not work) and none of my friends want to be an accomplice to my prank which they argue is a crime, i will have to think of another more legal prank involving the disgusting forty bottles.
But because I am lazy, I stopped using the forties for my finished cigarettes and just started throwing them in the plastic bucket filled with dry leaves and my hair. Upon tossing the lit cigarette in the bucket, I went inside to cook some meat for me and my woman. It was a fine cut. I sat back blissfully for near 90 minutes before I decided another cigarette was in order. As I approached the deck I noticed that it looked like it was on fire, and after looking further, my speculation became fact.
All I can say is thank god my landlord had the foresight to equip me and my hero roommate with a fire extinguisher. When my manly roommate heard my girlish screams, he rushed to put out the fire, which fortunately only burnt the wall where the bucket was. I'm not one to object to offensive odors but the smell of burnt plastic and hair almost made me vomit as though I had just put down 2 bottles of red. and I dont mean whine. maybe i do. i think cisco is wine. Im talking about cisco.
well now my house smells like burnt plastic, i have a final tomorrow, and a sudden soft spot for people who burnt their houses down.

The Roundabout!

2007-10-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

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Sometimes when I'm pooping, i feel like my body is losing vital nutrients. Even as the poop oozes out of my butt, I can feel myself getting weaker, much like those headaches that professor X got in X-men.

If my penis was really big, i might feel the same way when i popped a woodrow. with all the blood flowing to my gargantuan penis, there would not be much blood left to make my heart pump and do other things that make my hot-bod-go. all this ridding my body of excrement is leaving me feeling like i just smoked some bunk schwagg. So when I was taking a 2.5 pound poo the other day, I realized that there is no time like the present to do something totally coo, and healthy. I realized that if I put food into my mouth as it came out of my butt, I am more likely to gain that super-human strength that could really put me over the edge, with the ladies...

After realizing that pooping and eating simultaneously is a good idea I began to brainstorm what sorts of food would benefit this style of food consumption. I immediately decided that food involving forks and especially knives were a real no-no. Finger food such as fried chicken and pizza could leave me time to eat without having to worry about squeezing that poop out of my butt. And because pizza only takes one hand to to eat, I can read while I poop and eat. Currently I am in the process of shopping for a T.V. dinner table which I can eat off of while I defecate. With a table handy, I can move on to higher class meals like caramelized salmon, or maybe something with saffron.

This roundabout cycle will leave me with more energy and leave the ladies wanting to touch my muscles and even perhaps have a special sort of dinner date with a super special lady. When I make my riches I can make a room with two bathrooms facing each other with a nice italian marble table acting as the only thing seperating us from pooping and making love, at the same time!

Your boy got jacked!

2007-09-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

For all you hip cats out there that have never been robbed, let me tell you its not as fun as you may have heard it was. My bag got stolen from behind the counter at my new job on the "block that don't stop." here is a list of what I lost:

1) super hip timbuk2 bag. without this bag all my hipster street cred is lost in the wind.

2) CD player which I specifically use instead of an Ipod so that I do not get robbed. Its like rain, on your wedding day. dont you think?

3) my favorite compact disc to cry to.

4) my favorite candy to listen to raven in my eyes and cry to. this is a biweekly thing for me. it keeps my huge ego in check.

5) I was almost done. I'll never finish it.

6) My BrAtZ school binder containing everything I had accomplished in school as of yet. this was probably the most important thing I lost besides the nickatina album. I tried to tell my teachers the situation I was in and received less sympathy than a depressed child molester! I want to scream at them, " I know I look like I smoke lots of weed but I have cut back a lot!." the rules and regulations of life really bring me down. basically I am completely fucked in school.

All I can think about is someone enjoying my hilarious notes from class while listening to raven in my eyes masticating upon some delicious everlasting gobstoppers!

chi it chik ahh, chik it chi khaa, OH YEAH!

2007-07-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you, after taking a half dozen bong rips that could cause a woman to go into labor prematurely, there is nothing I would rather do than take part in some good old fashioned pre-marital sex. Unfortunately, my ability to walk or talk after consuming that much marijuanna is faltered considerably, therfore making the tried and true missionary po-zish go down about as difficult as trying to make your own law and order episode. But my woodrow pays no mind...

For this reason I have implemented into my life a fantastic new sexual position that will leave you brimming with a surplus of energy and your sexual partner wondering if it is time to find someone new to have sex with. For all of you squares out there who are into pleasuring women and stuff stop reading now. "The Ferris Bueller's day off" is really all about just laying back and enjoying yourself. It also frees up time for a some light reading and/or maybe a sandwhich. Anybody can do the whole "girl on top" thing but do you have the guts to put your hands behind your head in a relaxing pre 9-11 sort of pose mid couitus? If the woman ( or dude, if thats you're thing its totally cool with me bro!) asks why you arent doing anything tell them you are relaxing and your glad they are with you lest you have to jerk your thing on the solo tip. If they cant take the heat they should get out of the kitchen. feemeebud?

My Whip Game Tight

2007-05-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

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I bought a shitty car! its a 1994 ford taurus and it shuts off sometimes without warning while you are driving. Its very exciting. Although the car is not registered , uninsured, and I am not, nor have I ever been, in the possession of a drivers license, I felt it would be a purchase that would still improve my life. Its kind of like a little house I can go relax in when things get rough at the pad as well as great for an awesome hotbox via bong. When the previous owner saw my awesome jordans he could not help but offer up his unreliable auto to me for the sweet waffle stompers and an ice cold hundoh. I drove the car once to the liquor store which was scary enough but then I was so excited i drove it a little farther and was so scared I almost pooped in my pants. I kept checking in the rear view for the fuzz. It looks like a normal car except it has tinted windows and a shady looking SF sticker on the back. It has no radio and the doors dont lock. This is seeming like a worse and worse purchase the more I ponder it. Im going to see how long I can go siphoning gas from unfrotunate individuals. Hopefully this will continue longer than my not wanting to poop at work plan which barely surpassed a month and let me tell you once I started I just could not stop. Poop was shooting out of me like water from a fire hose! The open road is waiting for me like a randy woman who thinks I am someone else. $10 an hour, kind of fast cars, and kind of fast women.

bitch got hella poop in her butt blud!

2007-04-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

If you need ping-pong balls, megaphones, handcuffs, fitted hats, lighters, mace, baseball bats, a taser, levi's, or even a ski mask, my new job is the place to go. You might be surprised how many people are purchasing ski masks. it attracts an interesting crowd to say the least. As people try them on in front of the mirror and try to look scary i really cant help but wonder if perhaps they do not have good intentions involving the use of the ski mask. My boss does not seem to be concerned about what people do with the ski masks, "as long as they pay and they are polite." fair enough. Sometimes I also get to sell people knives. A sign on the glass reads, "if you are on parole talk to your probation officer before purchasing a knife." perhaps this gives you an idea as to the kind of people i am showing knives to. My only hope is that if they want to steal the knife, that they dont stab me first. I dont think they would. Unless they are crazy. and many people, while looking at the knives tell me that they are in fact crazy. People, as they hold the knives look at them like breasts then stab them into the air, twisting them, then pausing before they pull the knife upward. "you think this could kill a man?" i cant gaurantee it, i tell them, but thats kind of what knives do. I go and knives kill people. thats whats up.

At any new place i frequent whether it be a new job or a new school, i always try to see how long i can go there without pooping. I have crushed my old record of three days and have been going on almost a month strong. Its a great feeling. Who knows how long this will go on? Is it possible that I could go the whole time at this job without pooping? Me thinks yes and my determination cannot be faltered.

my new job go and my life was almost perfect for a second until i reaized all the bees flyhing around my deck was not a random coincednce. Apparently they have created a nest which scientists call a "hive" and they have chosen to place it in my nonoperational hot tub. I fear the bee like shoplifters used to fear me, which is a lot. I may have to become a friend of the bee.

i looked briefly on internets for how to get rid of the bee problem and the consensus seemed to be that you need to call someone and spend money. There is no way in hell I will be pay anyone anything when I can potentially take care of this problem by my lonesome. I mapped out potential solutions and so far i think I will make a suit of sorts out of tinfoil and get a can of raid in my hand and then go dumb on the bees. Hopefully I will live to tell the tale!

muni, joni, and my new job doesnt suck

2007-04-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

+=whoa!

I've totally been lezzing out recently as I have gotten a tad more than lightweight into Joni Mitchell. Initially, I was under the impression that she was from San Francisco. I found out she wasn't and felt a little uncomfortable for a while then decided I was still down. For the past some 7 years I have really only listened to rap music. I realized sometimes it can get a little negative. The level of lezz-outidness is off the charts!

Joni Mitchell - "Blue"

Thanks toMac Jay for this because I had never heard it but what a kawinkadink ehh?! Thanks Buddy!

Mac Dre - "Bonus Track" [feat. Dubee & P.S.D. Tha Drivah]

I've been working on a life changing movie for a while and it is taking up most of my pondering life time. This movie might be the greatest thing ever. We will see.

I also got a new job where I actually don't have time to do nothing for 8 hours. Today I helped a man who had been in jail for thirty years and had gotten out two days ago buy a whole new outfit. After I didn't bring him his pants fast enough he inquired whether or not I thought him putting some "lead in my ass" would make me move any faster. I said maybe then began to bring him his desired items faster. He was not the type of man who felt it necessary to use the fitting rooms. He had no qualms with changing in the store. He stayed in the store for another hour which seemed strange because he kept telling me he didn't have all day. He also somehow got the impression I thought him and his cousin who he was with were poking and got really upset. three hours after he left the store I found all the clothes he had come into the store with kicked under some other clothes. Needless to say I was nothing less than impressed. What a move! Go into a store and buy all new clothes and leave your old clothes behind! I picked his clothes up with a bag, like one might pick up poop, and left them outside. We also listen to KISS 98.1 FM! and that station really gets the party going. When you work in retail and a quarter of your customers are on drugs, nothing like some "We want the funk" to get them to spend money and hopefully not yell at me. My new Job is the greatest thing that has happened to me in a very long time. I am no longer embarrassed when people I know see me at work.

fuck yeah!

if you have not seen this video, now is your chance. The best part is when they ghost ride the train at West Portal.

its go time.

Would Jesus Rip Bong?

2007-03-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

+=supreme court fun

Unless your a total idiot, you are up on whats happening in the supreme court with this big debate that kind of has to do with bongs. Up until quite recently (5 minutes ago to be exact) I was also living in a world where I was not aware of this, shall i say debate of the century. apparently, some really cool dude whose hand i would love to shake, thought (and was correct in thinking so) that it would be funny to put up a poster in his high school which read "bong hits for jesus." pretty good. I would have said rips but i guess he is from Alaska or some shit so he isnt as metropolitan as I am. Good for him though. If there is anything Highschool teachers dont like its bong references. this is where my teachers and I did not see eye to eye. Sparks flew. Sparks flew even more for this genius alaskan dude with his poster who was suspended for like 10 days for his antics.

here is what actually happend:

http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2007/03/19/28speech_web.h26.html

yeah your going to have to copy and paste that. cry me a fucking river.

this debate brings up more questions which I dont think the supreme court is thinking about. Try to follow this: What is the coolest way to get pot smoke into your body. The answer is obviosuly via bong. Bong have been ripped since before jesus was around. I even heard from a little bird that jesus ripped bong. Had the alaskan genious boy just said "jesus totally tokes" I might get pissed too. All im saying is give this guy a fucking break. At least he made bongs a large part of his poster. Thats funny! Anything that has to do with bongs for some reason is funny. Im really starting to lose focus here and this isnt the kind of thing I want to make more than a 20 minute project. Jesus christ.

If jesus is anything like me, I dont think he would trip off people ripping bong. If jesus returns the first people he is going to yell at (or whatever he does) will probably be the jersk who keep letting their dog poop in front of my house every single morning. Im going to start waking up at the crack of dawn urry morning and find out who this asshole is and then he will have hell to fucking pay. Im not kidding. His life will become a living hell. The first day I see him I am going to scoop up his dogs poop, then I will follow him to his house and nail him in the head with it. then until I die or move away, he will find poop collected from around the neighborhood smeared on his house. And if he calls the cops im gonna smear the poop on his house so it reads "snitch". This is street justice in its rawest form. learn about it.

Mary Kate and Ashley Lightweight Go Part 2

2007-03-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

They cant stop...they wont stop.

I know you guys have not been able to sleep at not in high anticipation for more Mary kate and Ashley music videos! Well wait no nore! it was rough but i had to narrow it down to my next favorite four (my top four were featured in "Mary Kate and Ashley Lightweight Go Part 1" Obviiiiiiiiii) and the task certainly proved to be difficult. So here you go, the top eight MK&A music videos of all time in my opinion.

"Going Through Our Moms Stuff"
This song honestly goes. If I could get this song me would slaps it all day in my CD player. It is a wild trip through several decades of fashion. It really like 3 or 4 mini songs within one fantastic one. Unfortunately for me, going through my mothers stuff was not as educational or satisfying. I had a knack for finding things that I would have rather not seen which I do not wish to go into on the internets but rest assured, every time i went through my moms stuff, it ruined my week. Whatever you do, dont let my mothers vices stop you from enjoying the magic that is this song. It fuckin rules.

"Mummies Have Mommies Too"
Let us examine the "actor" in this music video. Was he excited when his agent brought him this part? Was he excited when he got this part? Did he tell his friends about it in a posotive way? Does he have any friends? What is he doing today? Does he put the fact that he was in this music video on his resume?
anyhoo, the beat cracks and once again MK&A go hard in the paint with their dance moves which are somewhat reminiscent of "Walk Like" which is my favorite MK&A song.

"Lotta Rocks"
Im not really sure what they were going for on this one. At first I thought it might be about selling crack. It wasnt. This is kind of like the "Sand, Sand, Glorious Sand" video in the sense that they seem overly excited by things that I look past on a daily basis. Like rocks and sand. I do sometimes wish, when I am ripping bong and watching T.V. while eating deep fried macaroni and cheese, that I could go back to a time when things were a little simpler. A time when if I wanted to rip a bong, I would have to kill a sheep and turn its leg bone into a bong. Sometimes I take for granted the fact that I can just mosey down to the store and buy a bong. I guess MK&A and I really look eye to eye on some important issues. This comforts me when I lay my head to rest at night.

"b-u-t-t out"
FUCK YEAH! fuck little brothers and sisters trying to tag along with you and your friends. B-U-T-T OUT! what a goddamn relatable problem. Here is a quote from the comments ont he youtube page, "Me and my friend Kimberly used to sing this to her little sister Nicole and we sang in front of their mother one day and we got in trouble." wow! way to take this fantastic song and cut and paste it right into your own life! The beat is packing some old skool swag. Although I can understand other people not wanting to hang out with their younger siblings, I always found life was much more interesting when my little brother was around. He really kept me on my toes with his nonstop lying and offering himself to do anything for $1. I remember once when i was little, me and my friend wanted to see "Mars Attacks" and i convinced my dad to take me. He agreed, as long as i didnt mind my little brother coming. My dad explained life was a littel give and take. good lesson. i cant have my bong and rip it too. life isnt always fair. Anyway, whether it was a movie or a baseball game, my brother was not in it for the entertainment, he was in it for the hot dogs. He must have been seven because his policy was one hot dog for every year he had been alive and I recollect him saying seven. He consumed his required seven hot dogs at a not so crowded west portal theatre and just before the invasion was on, he threw up EVERYWHERE! My dad had to walk out of the theatre, covered in vomit followed by my crying brother and me and my pissed off friend. GOOD LOOKIN OUT POPS! YOU GO!

Before ending this ode to MK&A I should explain that unlike some other extrememly rich people, MK&A werent given any money. They worked hella hard for it doing stupid ass shit like all these music videos which will haunt them for the rest of their lives. They lost their child hoods and look at them now. I dont want to come off as judgemental or anything but they seem like coke-head sluts. Which is a shame, they should have copped a couple pairs of jordans, a couple sweet bongs and just chilled out. So yeah, pro-bono has respek for people who work hard for the money even if they are hella weak.

RIP me

2007-03-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

That’s not a bong...That’s a deep fryer! And my roommate’s awesome girlfriend bought one for him so I'm telling people its mine and that she bought it for me. Luckily my roommate does not know how to read so I don’t have to worry about him ever reading this. As you may or may not know, very few medical doctors would describe my diet as "healthy." Comparable to giving a loaded gun to a horny blind woman and telling her it’s a vibrator, me having a deep fryer readily available to me probably is not a good idea. I might go as far as to say that a deep fryer is the absolute last thing that I needed to have in my life.

My roommate immediately put into place a rule where I am not allowed to use his new death toy without his immediate supervision. Here is how it went down for me...emotionally:

1) ANGER
Who is this asshole tell me when I can and cannot deep fry macaroni and cheese wrapped in a tortilla? does he think I am some sort of baby? incapable of making good choices on my own? Do I get no respect?!

2) FEAR
I wont last a week with this thing in my house. I will surely see my demise before I can even begin to delve into some really intense experimentation. Why does god create such dangerous weapons and put them right in the hands of man?

3) CAN I PERHAPS PROFIT FROM THIS DEVICE WHICH I DID NOT PAY FOR AND IS IN NO WAY REALLY MINE?
I certainly think so. My block, although quiet, is somewhat of a thoroughfare for residents of the hill. Im sure the general public would love to pay top dollar for my amazing food ideas. Its all about appearance

a couple sit-ups and I can add some sex appeal to the whole eating deep fryed food prepared in front of my house thing.

if I could dress a dog up like a chef people really might start talking.

im gonna go deep fry some chocolate bars.

She had never heard anyone puke that much...for such an extended period of time.

2007-03-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

+=?

Reality hit me like a fucking brick to the noggin when I awoke March 13th feeling fresh and wreaking of legal drinking age. The previous evening had been spent drinking in the park, in part to honor tradition and partly because I had to wait till the clock struck 12 until I could try to enter a bar with my piece of paper driving permit that which is clearly labeled "NOT A VALID IDENTIFICATION." I was off to a classic start and possessed high hopes for getting drunk in a bar. Anyhoo, after meeting a Mexican man who was down on his luck and brushing up on some of my espanol (mi cumpleanos ir?) I went to a bar where I downed many whiskey sours without paying for anything. Which was good because my networth on my birthday was less than twenty dollars and I was unable to acess what little money I had. Maybe buying more gold teeph was a bad idea. But then again...maybe it wasnt. And then BOOM! lickity split I was blackout drunk with my legs through the arm holes of a t-shirt with a belt to keep the whole operation going strong. I ate some gross food that had apparently been sitting out for two days then threw up for about a half hour straight.

It was a good burfday. I didnt get beaten up and my mother didnt cry.

FAQ's

2007-03-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

Here are just a few of the frequenly asked questions i receive on a somewhat daily basis:

1) What are my chances of having sex with you?

better than you think! shoot me a photo and a small summary of your hobbies and interersting things you are into sexually. perhaps we can work something out.

2) Why are you so funny?

i spend eight hours a day completely miserable thinking of witty things to say

3) Can you draw one of those sweet stussy "S"'s?

as a matter of fact I can.

if you want to learn how, give me a holler!

Me birthday is the day after today. tomarrow. im turning 21. unfortunately i dont have any sort of identification other than that of BIG BROTHER over at the nation of thizzlam and i want to play up the fact that it is my birthday for potential free. drinks. yeah, im thinking of going to delirium. or pops. bit i will probably stick with what is tried and true and requires no id and where you might get beat up by former gang bangers: JACKS, the worst bar in the world.

or i can stay home and enjoy the good stuff.

finally

...and thats why they call me floppy.

2007-03-09T12:07:00.000-08:00

Man, if those fingers could tell stories! WHOOHOO! I can tell you they would be pretty wild. Thats actually not true. I was lying. Im relatively sexually inexpierienced.
My life is going well. My room is really clean and I have a calendar now. Unfortunately, it appears i have nothing planned for the whole year. I like to mark each day with a big red X so that it appears to guests there is some sort of count going on. It looks good. Aside from this good news, my dirty fingernails are holding me back. I feel i have lots of potential but my gross fingernails are doing me nothing but a diservice. Eventually its just not gonna fly anymore with all the suits out there who are constantly riding me. Lay off jerks! At some time in the near future, i will come upon a fork in the road in which I must take one of two ways:

1)continue having dirty finger nails

2)bath on a regular basis and have clean fingernails

there are two types of people in this world. those with dirty fingernails, and those without. You can imagine which one of the two tends to be more succesful.

Mary Kate and Ashley Lightweight Go Part 1

2007-03-07T10:45:00.000-08:00

When I was 11 and my idiot brother was 8, we went to a barbeque at my Mom's friend's house. There was a hammock on location so naturally i decided to kick my feet up and really enjoy myself. Due to how cool I am, my brother saw me in the hammock and naturally wanted to take my place. NOT BLOODY LIKELY! I had him bring me various beverages with the promise that in due time, he would be able to enjoy the hammock in place of me. After nearly an hour of this he started to become quite aggitated. I told him that if he re-enacted the mary kate and ashley dance where they put one hand in front of you face up and the other behind you face down and muttered various things about being Egyptian, that he could have the luxurious hammock. Then my mom came and said we were leaving. He really flipped his shit and ruined the rest of my day. THe point of this story is that Mary Kate and Ashley have been a long time inspiration to me and i just wanted to pay some hommage to them. they earned it!

Here are just of few of the many fantastic music videos:

"Walk Like"
I actually really like this song. no fake. the choreography and special effects are really unmatched by any other entertainers. I first saw this video when i was home sick from school in 4th grade. It was a real mind-fuck then and remians as so today. God bless the Mary Kate and Ashley fans who were kind enough to put these up on the internets.

"No One Tells The President What To Do"
What a relatable problem. Arent you guys sick of grownups telling you what to do all the time. Thats what I like about Mary Kate and Ashley is their ability to relate to people on their own level. I imagine, and apparently they did too, that no one can tell the president what to do, and for this reaon, it would be quite the position to hold. The guy playing Clinton was perfect for the role. I would liek to shake the casting directors hand for that great pick. He even plays the sax. My favorite part it when they threaten to kick an ambassador to the moon for making them not play with their food.

"Brother For Sale"
Once again, another relatable problem here for your average Joe. I know i would like to sell my brother. His skills include smoking lots of pot, lying, and making my parents life a living hell.

"Sand, Sand, Glorious Sand"
Who doesnt like sand? Answer me that. Mary Kate and Ashley straight lace this broad on the importance of sand. I really like this song. It was stuck in my head for about me week. The choreography is nice and simple. I think they kind of look like Larry David's wife in this one. Tell me Im wrong!

Dont worry guys, there will be many more Mary Kate and Ashley music videos coming soon so you dont need to get upset

Stuck in a snack traffic jam? Get into the fast lane with Tom's Bacon Cheddar Fries!

2007-03-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

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the good lord spoke to me again last evening and informed me that my quesedillas were lacking something. that something, as it turns out, was Tom's Bacon and Cheddar fries. dont knock it till you try it. I understand it might not sound exactly appetizing and the thought of it now that i am not stoned out of my gourd doesnt sound to great all of a sudden but i put it on me bong that this is just about the best thing i have ever eaten in my life. no fake. here is how i prepared it:

i guess the only difference is that instead of just cheese and tortilla, you add bacon cheddar fries.
there you go

i make my quesedillas on the Foreman

yeah! knock out that fat!

unfortunately, Tom's bacon and cheddar fries totes a whopping 525 calories and 280 of those are from fat. I imagine the foreman still knocks out some of that fat. not that i care about that sort of stuff anyway.

the reason the foreman is so crucial for this delicious snack is that it presses the quesedilla toguether with the top. somehow the bacon cheddar fries fuse with the cheese and you are left with an amazing texture. i like to carefully press the cheese out from the middle so it oozes out onto the foreman creating a crispy edge.

for all you snack lovers out there who wonder sometimes if there is a forum for which you can speak to other snack lovers about new products and long time classics you are in luck for www.taquitos.net (sorry i am completely lost on how to do links and such) is really quite an amazing site which offers serious snackers a great forum for conversation.

if you dont like bacon i dont know why you are reading this blog.
get on my hype

Could it be I am not as charming as I think I am?

2007-03-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

I like having sex with girls. i just dont like talking to them. Im kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. Bongs and Baytin are fun for a while but after a while one needs to at least attempt to add the bots into picture. So last night I tossed my scrotum over my shoulder like a scarf and went to a movie with a girl.

A little bit of advice for you eligable bachelors out there

1)If your going to buy clothing off crackheads, wash it before you wear it out to a movie with a girl you dont know very well. Im not the type of fellow to wear cologne or anything. Im reallying going for a more neutral smell. So no one thinks twice. What i wasnt going for was a hint of homeless. unfortunartely, this was the odor which lingered all abouts me during the three hours of watching Zodiac. then i dropped my mike and ikes all over the floor. Had i been by myself i would have tried to collect them off the ground for further consumption but I thought maybe that wasnt such a great idea. She brought me some reece's pieces which is my favorite candy so that was a good fall back.

2)Dont smoke weed before you meet up. I made several wrong turns which ended up being quite embaressing. Just walking around in everyday life I am incredibnly scared of pretty much everything. When put in a position where i am more or less supposed to impress a girl i dont know very well the results are pure embaressment on my part.

if we go out again im thinking of a couple sweet angles to play up. I might claim i have never recieved oral sex. That could begin a whirlwind of conversation and perhaps a whirlwind of brain for yours truly. unfortunately, this is the only angle i have thought of so far but with a little bit of gargantuan bong rips and some heavy brainstorming i might be able to come up with more material.

me and my bitch

Opinions are like Assholes, and mine is the best

2007-02-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

++=

what a horrible day. and it had such potential. I went too big. that was the problem. i arrived home from school with a copious amount of fun things planned for the day. For some reason i thought a whole box of kraft mac and cheese (which has a less than friendly history with my stomach) and some bacon chased down with a sparks would give me some sort of boost for the day. Like coffee. To put it simply i just woke up from a five hour nap and vomited shortly afterward. The mac and cheese, bacon, and sparks (and bong rip) really put me to sleep. if anyone out there is having any trouble sleeping at night my amazing combination i promise will help you more than counting sheep. yeah! Im kind of like a herbal healer. i dont believe in all that western medicine stuff. thats for girls and babies. are you a girl or a baby? i didnt think so. if you are though, thats cool.

Every now and then something amazing happens. I made my daily trip to Rasputin on my lunch break with expectations at an all time low. I was feeling a little down from preventing such an amazing amount of loss. I swear sometimes i am holding all the loss in the world on my own duce shoulders. the criminal mind is like a labyrinth. whoa! im looking through the little used section right by the door and thats when i find a copy of Little Big Man, the epic solo Bushwick Bill album. I already own it but it makes a great gift. After picking it up i realized that i had found something very special. It was CHOPPED AND SCREWED (a lot). get it? like rap-a-lot. dont worry why i am so funny. just enjoy these fabulous soongs.

Ever So Clear (Chopped and screwed (a lot)) - Bushwick Bill

http://www.sendspace.com/file/q0jiyt

Chuckwick (Chopped and Screwed (a lot)) - Bushwick Bill

http://www.sendspace.com/file/bmkx1z

He looks pretty irie in this one.

U got a problem - Ludacris

http://www.sendspace.com/file/omcnt1

I've been getting a lot of flack from people from the minute i spotted this album at Rasputin. The door guy laughed at me. the cashier laughed at me, my coworkers laughed at me and so did this guy in my english class. It was a real laugh-at-the-bone-fest-07. fuck all that. Mike Maldonado? Baker2G was it? i dont know what skate video i first saw this in but it was great. maybe i shouldnt have bought the album but i really like this song and have for quite some time.

Well i guess all i can do now is try not to be so scared of girls and catch some dome.

This is awkward

2007-01-28T20:55:00.000-08:00

without pictures this blog is about the biggest piece of shit in the world. i didnt realize it until i read it without the pictures. now i know.

here some song for you

Rescue 911 - Dru Down & Yukmouth
http://www.sendspace.com/file/dkyctt
it took me so fuckin long to figure out how to use this blog stuff then they went and had to fuck me over again and i have no idea what i am doing. shit. anyway, if you click on the link above you will get one of my favorite songs of all time. Its dru down and yukmouth. the songs called "rescue 911". what a story. its so good. good song to have sex too if your into that sort of thing. im not. but its cool if you are. if you are going to download any of these songs i suggest you get this one. Came out in 94. what a year

Run So Fast - Cold World Hustlers
http://www.sendspace.com/file/r96z8c
I was at work the other day and 12 African American Youth entered. Because i am so PC i didnt say the magic code word to anyone. 2 dudes, 10 girls. All the girls left and no one beeped so i was like ok cool. then one dude left. then his boy left who was borderline obese. He beeped and his pack back was really full. i was all like "hey man, can you step back inside?" he said no...then bolted. due to his above average weight i thought fuck it. im gonna chase this kid. So i start booking it down powell towards Market. Im running and i realize im on the cable car tracks with a small railing type thing seperating the kid and I. without hesitation I leap into the air like a...bird...and fly oh so gracefully over the railing. Im hearing people say "look at whiteboy run!" but justice was on the mind and i had no time for their snide comments. I keep going. its at this time that i realize the kid really fucking fast. he is so far ahead of me i cant even believe it. he was so fat. My abusive roomate tells me im fat all the time but this kid was like actually fat. so im about 15-20 feet behind him and he gets to a set of 10 stairs and he jumps down all 10, lands on his feet, and keeps going. i ran down all 10 as fast as i could and he was gone. on the way back to work people were like "did you get him?
" fucking idiots. but the rest of the day i was singing this song in my head. that kid was sick. i wanted to shake his hand. what a sav.

Situation - Brotha Lynch Hung (Feat. E-40 and Twamp Dog)
http://www.sendspace.com/file/8eqbgi
Twamp Dog!? what a name! but more importantly, E-40 and Brotha Lynch. Interesting combo. i like Lynch's verse the best. When i first heard it i thought E-40's verse sounded like some shit off element of suprise and that album came out the same time so i was really on point with it.

Secondz A Way - Brotha Lynch Hung (Feat. Ice T and First Degree)
http://www.sendspace.com/file/uqk32d
oh boy oh boy oh boy. Can you imagine!? First Degree and Ice T in the same room working on something toguether. ohohoh. just the thought of it makes me SO EXCITED! Im a huge law and order fan. Brisko is my main man (RIP) but SVU is second best. And everyone knows that T goes hard. If i ever met Ice T my first question would be what he thought of the D.E.
the best part is D.E. kills it! he has the best verse. I like Ice T's also. I like when he says "faggots". its sick. This is one of my favorite D.E. verses.

Devil's Son - Big L
http://www.sendspace.com/file/9yhfay
He talks about being the devils son. you can imagine where it goes from there. nuns get raped and stuff

Bay Area - Cougnut, Guce, San Quinn
http://www.sendspace.com/file/vb255e
check it out. Mob Bluhhd

hopefully i can figure out this picture thing.

Education thieves and deception

2007-01-26T12:36:00.001-08:00

What are my three favorite things in the world? Cigarettes, cheap food that doesnt have vegetables, and thick white chicks. Maybe bongs too but thats for another time. Missouri offers all of these things in surplus and although i dont like beer, while i was there i decided that because the refrigerator in my grandmommas basement was stocked to the max with busch light, i might as well indulge myself.

Cigarettes in the MO are about 2.50-3.50$ a pack. and thats good cigarettes. Premium baby. if you fancy cheaper cigarettes like liggets for example, then your looking at about a buck seven five for a pack. and for the smoker on a budget, you really cant beat that. People often make fun of me because when i order food somewhere or i am preparing it myself, it contains no vegetables and if it does i simply will not eat it. As you can imagine this can become quite embarrassing. This is the kind of shit that flies when your eight but as i continue to grow older (and wiser) (and handsome-er) waitress are beginning to give me dirty looks. I have never been on a date in my lifetime but i imagine, the broad would not be too impressed when i request the chef removes all chunks of vegetables from the tomato sauce. living in san fran stinko this problem often occurs. i would say the main difference between Missouri and san francisco is that in missouri you have to ask to have vegetables with something where as in san francisco they think your a dooshbag if you cant get down with the greenery.

sidenote: if i could find a (thick)broad who would trade me sexual favors for me eating vegetables i could probably get down. unfortunately, they have trouble seeing what they get out of it. the satisfaction of me living longer. the longer i live the more funny jokes i could tell. yeah

next of course the thick vagina havers

yup she a thick thang. NOT! LOL LOL!

back to the point. I was unable to find any actual research proving my point but people in missouri are generally a little more hefty than out here in the scosco. what a shame. skinny broads dont do it for pro-bono. Life is a little more simple out there i guess. who hasnt seen coming to america? maybe i will go to missouri and pretend im not hella dumpster because you know, everyone here jocks me because of how dumpster i am. anyway, in missouri i will find my true love and then after we poke a couple times i will be like " guess what, people are lucky if i shower on a weekly basis" then we will poke more?

this isnt a very good idea.

Is walking around in the rain an appropriate substitute for taking showers?

2006-12-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

Me think so.

but that is neither here nor there

Rain really brings out the crackhead in everyone. Thinks about it. You know, rain attire.
lets review:

The beanie:
in my opinion, if you are of the homeless persuasion, you better either have a noticably funny hat, or a beanie. Today i saw a homeless guy wearing one of those chevys fresh mex hats. not the best for the weather but he won real style points with me. anyhoo, anyone who wears a beanie looks homeless and while trying to prevent loss you can understand how confused someone like myself can become.

"it was that guy. Ayyyyy!"
these guys arent homeless (obvi) but they are helping me drive my point home.

Moving on. The Trenchcoat:

Classic homeless wear. Once again, the people with houses are really blurring the line here. this dog really helps me illustrate my point.

Spotting crackheads is my profession and i take it damned serious. the rain is upsetting me very much. What upsets me even more are these fucks who walk around with umbrellas open 45 minutes after it stopped raining. ITS NOT FUCKING RAINING ANYMORE! put the umbrella away. I wonder how many eyeballs are ripped out of the socket by people carrying umbrellas when its not even raining. i bet the number is haella high. I swear i am gonna catch a rusty umbrella wire to the eye.

my plan if this happens:

1) cause a big scene and make the person feel bad (especially if its not raining)
2) try to walk it off and somehow end up in the newspaper. I will randomly call it in and some new reporter will be all over it. Ill say "I'm no hero. I just got poked in the eye and made it to the hospital myself because my knowledge of MUNI is so vast. I'm no hero."
3) Become a marter and make umbrellas illegal. ill fight my way to d top.

a little water never hurt anyone. especially those of us who choose not to bathe.

here are some songs

Messy Marv - Hoes Aint Shit
Uhhh. this is from the album "Death On A Bitch". I know. its a great name. in fact, the only reason i bought the album was because of the name. nah nah nah. its pretty good. The song is a TLC diss. remember that sporty thieves one or whatever. this one is cooler. My question: did tlc ever hear this song and if they did would they care. if mess ever made fun of me i'd be super upset. and maybe a bit flattered. mostly flattered.

First Degree the D.E. - There That Man

Oh D.E. you so silly!

First Degree the D.E. - Damn That DE!

Here is a fun yoko type project. Get really high. Fill a blank CD up with this song. Walk around in the pouring rain. The rest is up to you.

Soooooo, i was leaving my terrible job a couple months back and found a CD on the ground. I find lots of CDs on theh ground but this one caught my attention. ot was called "Diet Hyphy: The Jaedelle Mix-Mixtape" The explanation: R&B Collabs with Bay's Hyphy=Diet Hyphy. Jaedelle is on Diet on Hyphy. Alright i thought. I didnt listen to it for a while but when i did i was somewhat pleasantly entertained. She pretty much took every well known aspect of the hyphy movement and made songs that are about all of the elements put toguether. I watch her sell CD's all day and she actually makes more money than anyone else trying to sell CD's. but then again, she has a a vagina and the rest of the guys (obvi!) have penis-iz. which i now(and suggest you do the same) call womb-brooms.

Jaedelle - Feelin It (It's A Hyphy Show)

get on that diet hyphy hype. lots more jaedelle to come. lots

Dun nun nun...Nun nun nun...Dun nun nun....Nun nun nun

2006-11-15T22:02:00.000-08:00

that crack^
im on a bag a day habit right now. and im not talking about the little 69cent bag. im talking about the big bag that sells for $2 at walgreens.

anyhoo,

This beat, which if you download these songs you will hear and recognize, i enjoy very much. You could put my mom yelling at my little brother over this beat and i would knocks all day. it kind of reminds me of cowboys or something. you know, the wild west. here you go

Smoke Dope and Rap - Dre Dog
this song is virtually unheard of. its a real treat.

Doin Dirt - Luniz
this song is haella good.

24 Deep - Brotha Lynch Hung
Was i a romped out norteno on 24th street i might like this song even more. but as a tired stoned white guy, i still like it.

P.D. Roll'Em - Scarface
this one is a bit of a stretch but the beat is still in the song. it counts.

I might recall hearing a peedi crack song where he uses this beat, but sure i am not.
if you know any other songs with this beat, feel free to totally share them with me via internet! awesome!

Carousel Operator of the Year: ME

2006-11-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

Throughout my years, living, i have had several jobs. Because i am such a hard worker, i have won several awards for how hard i worked.

1) Carousel operator of the year for 2004
(sidenote: my little brother won in 2005)
2) Trash Collector of the year for 2005
3) Toy salesman of the year for 2003

impressive resume, i know.

You may remember Reek Daddy from Treal TV. He is the dirty looking fellow who Mac Dre introduduces as the guy who still drinks Old E. Honestly, i wasnt very impressed with him. this is the only song i have heard by him but its haella good and i am actively trying to get one of his albums, of which he has several.

Gangsta of the Year - Reek Daddy

I dont know how i got this song. I found it on big air's computer the other day. It might be the best song ever.

Nut 1 Nut 2 - Cougnut

I just figured out how to put up songs so i thought i would.
and everyone can stop worrying because i found my gold teeph. im back to my old self again and loving life.

Chapstick and my Penis: the real scoop!

2006-11-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

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I once went 6 (almost 7) weeks without bathing. That was back in the day when i was really on top of my game. Unfortunatley, these days the longest i will go without showering is maybe a week, give or take a few days. I know, nothing to write home about. none the less, i am always in search of some way to make it appear that i am bathing when in reality, i am not. My latest development: CHERRYCHAPSTICK. this shit has it all. it smells so fuckin good i can hardly stop myself from eating it. Last week when i was at work, i says to meeself, what is that terrible smell? it was then that it hit me like a dozen minority shoplifters, i have not showered for 8 days and have not worn any deoderant for 2. Because i am such an active young man, you know, those manly smells were really emitting from me. It was then that my life changed forever. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the cherry chapstick and applied it to my armpits as though it were deoderant. It didnt end there. I realized cherry chapstick can serve many more purposes than the makers of this fine product may have thought...

1) chapstick
2) deoderant
3) cologne
4) feminine hygiene product

I dont know a lot about feminine hygiene (or dude hygiene for that matter) but i do know that cherry chapstick smells a lot better than dirty giney. so for all my lady readers (which i am 99% confident there are none of) if your hole is wreaking, apply some cherry chapstick to it and the dudes will flock as though your vagina was a 50% off sale at Armani Exchange, and the dudes are all asian. because lots of asian dudes like that store. tell me im wrong!

So last night i was taking some pretty intense bong rips and i was struck with a pretty fantastic idea. As of recent, spicy food has been whats really good. for me. yet, mac and cheese is a constant staple. What shall i do? i thought as i took a fuckin huge bong rip! so here is my answer:

1) make some macaroni and cheese (i like annies because it makes me vomit less often than kraft)

2) purchase some spicy cheetos ( 2 packs preferably)

3) put them all in a blender

4) blend until one could eat it with a straw.

5) BAM! spicy mac and cheese

it doesnt have to end there though. i took another bong rip shortly after this and was struck with an even better idea.

6) mash some potatoes to make mashed potatoes.

7) take a Boboli crust

8) apply liquified spicy mac and cheese over pizza crust as though it were tomatoe sauce.

9) put mashed potatoes on top of that.

10) cook till you think its edible

i have not eaten this yet, but rest assured, i am nothing but a hog and when my paycheck come turdsday, im going to eat this. maybe i will vomit, maybe i wont. you will probably never know.

My Cure For The Common Cold

2006-10-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Lots of dooshbags out there will try to tell you there is no cure for the common cold. There may not be, but i think I have come pretty close to figuring it out:

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yup. your gonna want that tangerine. i was feeling really sick the other day and because i am addicted to smoking marijuanna (especially out of BONGZ!!!) i smoked anywayz. At first, i took a medium rip, which is not usually my style. It hurt my lungs real bad and i coughed a little. Then i realized, hey, i am not feeling to hot, lets really put the pedal to the metal, bong style! I took gargantuan RIP and coughed up lots of green stuff that had a similar texture to jello. This green stuff was so impressive. So anyhoo, i drank some emergen-c and i was already on the mend. So if you dont like being sick but you like BONGZ then follow my easy directions and start feeling good again. Your worth it.

to the average dude, these may just look like a pair of jeans. I used to never understand why girls would get so excited about new jeans or designer jeans. I always thought that jeans were jeans (unless they were JNCO jeans which had awesome pictures of weird anime type things on them? I guess?). Apparently though, and this makes sense to me after someone explained it, unlike baggy pants dudes generally wear, girls pants are a little tighter and girls really like when the pants "hug" different parts of their bodies the right way. Girls need pants to fit around their ankles, calves, thighs, hips, and butt, just so. And apparently seven jeans fit real nice. so there you go. now you know.

and with the new knowledge, i am going to be making a wild move. Look at the back of the jeans above. see that little swoopy woopy stuff on the pocket. thats how you can tell if a girl spent a measly $50 on her jeans or a whopping $175! Anyhoo, im going to get the little insignia tattooed on my butt, on both sides. The concept behind this tat is that i love seven jeans so much that its like i am always wearing them. My appointment is 2marrow! i will post pictures. it will be awesome.

yeaaaah! imagine that on my butt!

you are SO off my buddy list

2006-10-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

me^

Currently i am spending about 6 to 7 hours a day, five days a week, posted with a boner downtown. Its not as cool as it sounds. All i do is watch girls walk in and out of a store so naturally, i have become quite in-tune with fashion if i do say so myself. None of these girls ever talk to me though. Although one fine day, a superdooperlightweightbot started chopping it up with yours truly. I was so shocked that someone was speaking with me that i dont remember what i asked this botter but she said something, then i responded, leaning in a bit, in an excited sort of way. The result:

"Breath problem?" i asked her. she nodded, slowly, with disgust in her eyes. Pure hatred. radiating through her porous peepers. Good grief. Ive got hyphy youths fucking with me in oakland. Thinking they can snake me! make me look like a dooshbag! in front a woman! They were like sixteen too as though it was not enough, to suffer the humiliation of getting fucked with. they assured me i was quite lucky that my bike was still in my posession. Later, the woman i was with tried to assure me everything was ok. Broads just dont understand. IM A MAN BABY! A MAN!!! anyway, back at work I have not spoken with any customers, and understandibly, have no plans to do so in the future. I do know a lot about high-end womens denim though. If your jeans are less than $150 dollars and you have a vagina dont even fucking talk to me because you are a loser. i know that. i think i am gonna cop some sevens (if you dont know what sevens are you suck) and then go diving in the poon pool. sevens are like an $175 dollar ticket to that pool, and its always summer time baby. your gonna want to be in the pool. the poon pool. Thankfully, this is a figurative pool so i dont have to worry about exposing my chest hair to lots of people because that is a constant concern for me.
i feel so sick right now but for some reason i cannot stop smoking cigarettes. at least im draped in high end denim and lacoste. everything can go in a tortilla. If i were to be executed my last meal would be chilimacurrito with super finely chopped up orange chicken from panda express. with lots of cheese.

My Lovefest 06 Review

2006-09-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

As soon as i left my house this morning, i could feel it in the air. The love, that is. Someone had mentioned lovefest to me previously but i forgot it was today. When i got on BART today i noticed a strangely large amount of unattractive women wearing outrageous clothing in groups toguether. I quickly came to the conclusion that today must be lovefest. Initially, i was not very excited. Lovefest is a festival which has no real idea behind it besides love and im kind of unclear on what such an event might entail.

lovefest sucks. its a bunch of fucks who like to freak out normies and think they are offending close minded people. i saw so many of these boots today i didnt know what to do. In my profession i kind of have to keep an eye out for crackheads and i was making some bad calls. I couldnt tell who the real crackheads were and werent because everyone was dressed like a hooker. Imagine trying to serve justice and being so confused. it really hard. San Francisco Love Fest is not your ordinary parade. This is the description given on the website: "Instead of standing on the sidelines watching it go by, everyone is encouraged to dance in the streets with the floats as the parade moves by." Wow. talk about taking the classic parade and putting a little raver twist to it. what a bunch of assholes. im down for a good parade that has to do with something. like ireland. lovefest is just a big rave but instead of some warehouse in west oakland its in downtown sf on a saturday afternoon. im even more down for folsom street fair (which i biked by on my way home from work the other day) because they have a real cause. im not sure what it is but it certainly has to do with leather. and im down for the gay community to get down. thy party hard.maybe harder than anyone else, except maybe sumoans. ravers are just weak. weak of the week is ravers for sure. although i did see a raver kid when i was at work with one of those balls that you kind of flip around in your hands. its the kind of ball i pretend i have in my hands sometimes. like im holding it with some weird jedi force. then i pass it to people. im sure my 4 or 5 avid readers know what i am talking about. holler at your dude. im shining let wet you know. and thats no typo

The San Francisco Treat

2006-09-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

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10 for 10 dollars?! bu-what? my life can pretty much be broken down in terms of when the next time i am going to be able to eat some chicken pasta roni is. everything else is just filler. attempting to poke broads, work, friends, none of it seems to measure up to the awesome flavor and companionship which pasta roni has blessed me with. i dont even have to look at the box anymore. i know the ingredients off top. remember the chilimacurrito? rock one of those, pasta roni style! heat yourself up a tortilla, throw some pasta roni on there (chicken flavor obviosuly)and you have yourself a certified good time. they also have a flavor which is arguably better called chicken quesedilla. i figured hey, i like quesedillas hella much and you already know my feelings on chicken pasta roni so i gave it a whirl and was pleasantly suprised. its a lot like chicken pasta roni but with a spicy latin flavor thrown into the mix that makes the taste buds do the cha-cha-cha. you better believe it. pasta roni is straight crack. if some sort of situation occured in wich i was forced to give up cigarettes or pasta roni i would definently give up cigarettes. both products will probably kill you but i feel like the pasta roni will kill you slower and its delicious! folks at work ask me what i am doing later and i say, " i dont know. ill probably go home and eat some pasta roni." it may sound like a lame evening to those dooshbags but i assure you i am having a lot more fun eating pasta roni than they are kickign it in dolores park drinking sparks and hating on the man and people who own cars.

i realized although i mention madhatterbating from time to time i never went into appropriate detail about it. which i feel like maybe is should. i think of myself as a bit of an internet porn connosuer. i come across a lot of really interesting porn and although i may not be "utilizing" it, as others may, i can appreciate the concepts which internet porn companies come up with.

Wrong Side of Town

As far as i can understand, the concept behind this one is there are white women who get lost in the ghetto and end up getting gangbanged by lots of black dudes, who dont seem to treat them in a very gentemen like manner. not a very chivalrous move on the part of these black dudes but hey, im not gonna judge.

their mission statement reads as such:

ONE WRONG TURN, AND YOU'LL GET GANGBANGED!
see what we do to innocent babes who wander into our hood. these brothers lay lots of pipe for their little white hoes. Once they go black, they never go back!

cant argue with that. look at the unfortunate incident which happend to this fine caucasion woman:

i know what your thinking, not a very friendly looking bunch. but you'll never guess what happens next! they all have sex with her! read on...

Oh dear, our little honey loses a lot more than just her keys, she gets her head jammed in the door of a refridgerator while our gang plays with her pussy, then she gets locked in a cage! After that she gets fucked in every hole she has. Get a spare set of keys next time!!

head jammed in a refrigerator! locked in a cage! wow!
so if your into masterbating to things like this go for it. i want to make it clear that for me this is strictly entertainment of a non sexual nature. cop some pasta roni

isnt it weird that when a girl gets smashed by hella dudes she is a slut while when a dude pokes hella broads he is like, a bossman? i got chesthair

2006-08-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

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yeah, my chest is pretty hairy. so whaaaat?

i used to go to water parks all the time. remember when that waterpark, i cant remember what its called but those seniors in highschool died when they all piled into the slide and it fell. it was very sad but my moms took full advatnage of the situation by realizing no one would want to go to the waterpark after people had met their fate on the wild ride of gods sweet nectar:water.

No lines baby! i was awesome. recently i realized that i have not been to a waterpark since my surplus of chest hair came to be. not that i have a problem with "showing off the goods" but i like to only show me chest hair to broads i am actively tryin to pokes (which isnt many) and good friends of mine and their girlfriends while i haves been drinking. I figure there must be plenty fo dudes who have hairy chests at the waterpark. but what if there arent? it looks even more gross after i emerge from a body of water. the hair is all long and wet. it looks like i shaved a long haired cat and glued the hairs to my chest. and the cat had been taking a bath. so the cat was looking kidn fo sad. like this cat:

here is a fun activity. google image search "wet cat". nonstop comedy.

^^^this one is funnier but didnt as closely resemble my chest hairs when wet.

either you have been living in a cave, for like forever, or you are farmiliar with the section of homosexual dudes called the bears. as i understand it, and i am pretty confident that i do, they are larger dudes who have lots of chest hair. so i was thinking, not that i would want to be, but could i pass for a bear? peep the picture of me on a roof, 2took, in the big apple. is that bear material? maybe i should contact a bear. ask an authority on the subject. but if i ask a bear, might he see this as some sort of sexual pass at him? do bears only poke other bears? i think so. i guess it doesnt really matter but i am kind of a big dude and im nots talking aboot tall-wise. im talking about fat. and im hella hairy.

Throw a lip on this!

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oh boy.

thats right. throw a 4 peet chicken tendah on a slice of pie and your good to go. its doesnt have to be blondies. its just right where i work. and bk is right there too so its totally sweet. in fact, i dont think you should go to blondies because its pretty weak. blondies i guess is the weak of the week.

2006-08-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

You may not have known this, but Missouri go. unfortunately it has a reputation for staying still? is that the opposite of going? why not. Fix a couple of kinks and it would probably be my paradise. here is why:

What are my three favorite things in the world? Cigarettes, cheap food that doesnt have vegetables, and thick white chicks. Maybe bongs too but thats for another time. Missouri offers all of these things in surplus and although i dont like beer, while i was there i decided that because the refrigerator in my grandmommas basement was stocked to the max with busch light, i might as well indulge myself.

Cigarettes in the MO are about 2.50-3.50$ a pack. and thats good cigarettes. Premium baby. if you fancy cheaper cigarettes like liggets for example, then your looking at about a buck seven five for a pack. and for the smoker on a budget, you really cant beat that.

People often make fun of me because when i order food somewhere or i am preparing it myself, it contains no vegetables and if it does i simply will not eat it. As you can imagine this can become quite embarrassing. This is the kind of shit that flies when your eight but as i continue to grow older (and wiser) (and handsome-er) waitress are beginning to give me dirty looks. I have never been on a date in my lifetime but i imagine, the broad would not be too impressed when i request the chef removes all chunks of vegetables from the tomato sauce. living in san fran stinko this problem often occurs. i would say the main difference between Missouri and san francisco is that in missouri you have to ask to have vegetables with something where as in san francisco they think your a dooshbag if you cant get down with the greenery.

next

of course the thick vagina havers

She isnt that thick. But she is wearing juicy couture. And although i wouldnt have sex with her in her current condition, after a week with me, a couple jesse specials and some chilimacurritos, she would be good to go.

back to the point. I was unable to find any actual research proving my point but people in missouri are generally a little more hefty than out here in the scosco. what a shame. skinny broads dont do it for pro-bono. Life is a little more simple out there i guess.

who hasnt seen coming to america? maybe i will go to missouri and pretend im not hella dumpster because you know, everyone here jocks me because of how dumpster i am. anyway, in missouri i will find my true love and then after we poke a couple times i will be like " guess what, im actually supergrimetime" then we will poke more?

this isnt a very good idea.

The Show Me State

2006-08-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

1)Wiffle Ball
2)Busch Light
3)Cheeseburgers

more to come as I continue to get drunk and smoke menthol liggets in my grandmas basement with my schitzofrantic cousin.

Chilimacuriito

2006-08-04T02:48:00.000-07:00

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As you can see it is an exciting moment. I have been eating macaroni mixed with dennison's beanless chili for quite a few years now. it especially appeals to me because i dont like beans but i love chili. some tell me this means i dont like chili, and although i disagree, dennison's beanless chili says chili on the can. its chili. I dont eat fruit or vegestables. Its kind of a midwest thangalang i hear from my father who hails from there to put chili into various things most coastal types might have looked right past. father bone tells me when he was a youngster they would heat up chili in a can and pour it in a bag of fritos. i dont know what they called that but i would put a pretty penny on the fact that it had a pretty sweet name indeed! I have also been throwing tortillas on the open flame, giving that bad boy a sweet taste of some element, and dipping it into melted butter. tonight, minus the butter dipping, i realized why not put chili macaroni into a little tortilla. the results:

a red haired friend of mine got me into this cd maybe sophmore year of highschool. i have a distinct memory of listening to mac sinatra in his parked car and drinking a forty and vomiting. this cd had some quality e-40 that i got pretty into and i lost my original copy so i gots myself another.

Get What You Need -- E-40

Mac Shawn-- Mac Sinatra

We Are The Best -- Mac Shawn, E-40, Suga T

Im a pretty big Suga T fan but when it comes to bay area female rappers lolo swift takes the cake for me. she great! not to hate on suga t or anything

The CD has an awesome name: world wide bosses and playas by Mac Shawn. it has many people on the cover who all look pretty cool.

i didnt realize this until i bought this cd a second time, which makes sense conidering when i lost the last copy, but I guess turf talk used to go by the name "killa kane." The hook on this song is absolutely terrible and they repeat it way more often than i thought was neccessary, but, there ya go for a little turf talk fact. i like his rap on this song but i like most turf talk. he gets an A in my book.

Bossin We B Flossin -- Killa Kane, Mac Shawn

hurray. cook up a chilimacaritto!

naughtydude

then i threw up

2006-07-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

what i consumed in new york over roughly 26 hours:

-2.5 packs of cigarettes which were heckza spensiv
-5 slices of pizza pie
-2 large cherry italian ices
-1 small lemon italian ice
-an undetermined amount of mozerella sticks
-a healthy serving of macaroni and cheese

needless to say it was pretty fun.

here is picture of me enjoying myself on a roof

i ate lots of other things too. i met my moms cousins who are the most jewish people i have ever encountered. apparently the lox in northern conneticut are to die for. im not a self loathing half jew or anything, but i was pretty blown away. when you mix some long island jews with a new york accent, it gets wild. new york is ok. its axtually pretty weak. im friscoed out all day dude, i mean blood.

punk rock bitch steal them things

2006-07-21T02:09:00.000-07:00

whoa. have you ever been to a club. im 20, so ive been to a couple bars but nevers sometang you need to dress up for before. its a wild game. heres the plan for a dude like me. i work or worked, a lot in the sun and am kind of a tan typer dude. i was able to convince the mothe of these two broads i was hollering at that i, like them, was also part el salvadorian and that i could relate to the struglle. unfortunatley, the mothes of these duce bots wasnt trying to relay game so the bone lost. none the less,

i did apprehend my first shoplifting supsect, which as i did not explain in my presious post, is my new profession, a a certain store which i will not mention, lest you know how much of a vagina i am, you would probably want to steal fromm there on principal. but these bitch ass broad got rappped although i let her go and the merchandise which is oh so important (this stupid as bitch stole a shirt with some faded print on it which looked like something some band from the 80's might wear whcih i guess is cool with a fake ass tie on it, well your boy let her go and uesss what? she was white, which rules

fuck the club, i look like an idiot wearing my saved out roomates clothes. what a sad life. i serioutley, (and the pellllling for real) hate my life, when i know how i will post my naughty girl remix called naughty dude. the intenets is going crazy.

cop that history in the making because i might be a bay dude but jr is whats up. big apple beezwax tomarow. all day. trying to poke one of my dudes ladies friends which is definetley the game plan

MY FIRST ARREST

2006-07-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

ei didnt really arrest anyone yet but hopefully soon i will. your dude friend me has moved from oogling at weird hippy bots who are not very attractive and picking up lots of trash to a much more glamorous proffesion. my new job involves oogling over much more attractive women and ensuring justice 5 days a week at a prime time booyah doowntoown locashion. now im not the dude to yuou know, assume all black people steal stuff but apparently this is the attitude that a person in my position seems to take on. heres a quote from the dude training me. "now im not racist my any means but you really have to watch out for these young black people stealing things." although stereotyping minorites and offering them "extended customer service" is sure a blast i am really pumped to bust some 15 year old girl who is with her mom. oh the tears will fly my hombres. and i will have no sympathy because justice may be a cold dish, but i like ice water. you feels me?

the store i work at is so fucking weak that i cannot even begin to explain some of the things i see people wearing and the toopid shit i hear people say. hey buddy, i really like your really tite white jeans. they really go with that brite yellow belt you have there. i was totally conviced all these dudes were dooshbags but then i realized, nearly all the mega bots i see are with duuds like this so i began to ask myself. are dudes that wear shirts that say "trust me im a celebrity" dooshbags, or am i the dooshbag. then i asked myself, who is doing pushups naked, dipping my penis into a warm cup of water, and who is putting their penis in a real vagina with bot to go wit it?

MARLBORO MAN

2006-06-29T23:29:00.000-07:00

god im totally weak.

when not indulging in either of my duce favorite pastimes, crying or madhatterbayting, i really enjoy a good cigarette. some call them cancer sticks, some call them wayne gretzkeys, or smokes i guess. whatever you call them, they are a wild mix of beauty, pain, and a nice little break from a wild life which mostly involves picking up trash and being hella scared of everything.

one day the summer befoe hunior hear i just smoked some sweet sweet cheeba and my buddy nikolatiasman offered me a clove. i smoked it and was fucked up! i had to sit down while i was smoking it for i thought i would collapse onto the cold dirty ground had my butt not found a place to rest. that night i bought a pack. they were called dejarums i now remember. i recall being fasciminated-or with how it was only like 4.50 dollars for 20 of them. i smoked those hardcore for like a week until my lungs bled with lust for rebellion. oh what a sweet lust it was. cause less, or full of cause, only me knows. shortly after this i moved on to marbloro reds and here i am almost five years l8ter alligator. my main dude pilladinousaur lived by neenth and juudah and they always had buy i get one free menthol 100 mediums. we would take turns, real cute style, buying packs and giving one another one of them. its a wonder we never had sex. or did we...?

now a days im a 27 man and i just cant stop. my parents i am sure know i smoke althoguh i always deny it when they ask. i feel ashamed of it for some reason i guess. my 6-2 220 retard brother smokes, whcih is probably my fault, and even he had the guts to tell my parents he smokes. pahpeeple often inquire when i will stop smoking. i usually tell people when i gain knowledge of my first born being conceived, that is the day i will become, A MAN!

by the way freds, any kind of cisco with sparks is the fuckin shit. i have literally never had such a good time.

totally weak. fuck

Have you ever tried to give food to someone you thought was homeless and then it turned out they werent homeless?

2006-06-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

big bottle beezwax^^^^rael big!

so apparently, when im not blackout drunk i dont have much to say which is somewhat upsetting. i guess. And with my new schedule which is school 5 day a week from 8-12:30 and work at 6 firty ayem on saturday i think my days of drinking may be over for a while which is somewhat upsetting. i guess. However, my drinking career is rather unfortunate when you look at it especially when it comes to alcohol i have chosen to drink. have you ever tried to drink a six pack of smirnoff ice? by the end your teeph are in huberendous pain. and there is definetley (whoa there) more than a little bit of sugar in there. when i was fourteent though these things were not a big concern for me because if i drank a forty, i would surely vomit. so after smirnoff ice i moved on to royal gate which totally ruled. post gate i began an affair with a raucous lover by the name of cisco which totally kicked my ass. here is the basic breakdown. one bottle=375 ml=2$. multiply that by 2 and you spent four dollars to get majorly drunk. i was heavy into cisco too. i was living in a wild world of not being sure if i had peed in my pants and terrible shooting pains in my arm. not only did it taste like heaven but it was quite the conversation piece with ladies at the partays. after drinking two a night several times a week some good freinds stepped in and stopped my filthy habit. BUT NOT BEFORE I THOUGHT OF SOME HELLA SWEET DRINKS INVOLVING CISCO!

1) RAGS TO RICHES

1 bottle of cisco (preferably red. always preferably red. usually.)

1 half pint of hennessy

one word...blood...or maybe: 2TOOK! man, i chased the heem with the cisco and the good times started rolling almost immediatley! about tre fourts of the way through the cisco i started clanking (clanging?) the bottles toguether. and who doesnt like saying rags to riches. it kind of makes me think of the mighty ducks or the badnews bears. which both totally rule.

2) THE DARRYL STRAWBERRY

1 bottle of strawberry cisco

1 20 oz bottle strawberry soda

honestly i have only drinken this twice but the name is pretty sweet. dont ya think? for all you vaginas out there who cant handle the skrate up cisco, this is probably the drink for you. with only one bottle your really not going to be feeling nearly as shitty as if you had drinken two of them and thr strawberry soda certainly sooths the tum tum. little three ninjas referanttt right there. tell all your friends!

3) STATUTORY RED

1 bottle of cisco (again, preferably red)

1 32 oz bottle smirnoff ice

this one is really a sweet mix of oldschool bone bidnit and newschool stink shit. im not gonna lie. i dont think im gay. i often crave moist orfices in broads. heh, a little more than often, are you with me fellas? yeah, i know you are. FUCK YEAH! if your looking for something between rags to riches and the darryl strawberry this is probably it. its pretty sweet too because if your out at a get toguether you can keep the cisco in your pocket and walk around with the ice in hand. if some folks try to talk shit about your 32 oz smirnoff, which is totally out of line, you can but out your cisco and wont they feel stupid. real men drink cisco. realer men drink smirnoff ice and cisco. you can mix then or chase it rags to riches style. its all you baby.

in conclusion, give these bad boys a whirl and keep it safe. and hetrosexual.

Teeph Grin-der

2006-06-08T02:36:00.000-07:00

you know those fang teeph you have? like the sick ones that make vampires vampires. like hella long just outside the fronts. equodistant from the center. I gridn that shit like a fuckin mad man. my doontist told me to wear a mouph gard and they even fitted me for one and gave it to me. but here is the interesante part. any folks that know whats really going on with dumpster deeeeeeenis know that i pukes when i want and i am mad in control of that isht. so any way...blood...i was at the dentist getting fitted for my mouph gard and they put that puddy type shit in my mouth, you know, to get it fitted, and i fuckin puked on the dentist assistant lady. apparentently, being thrown up on wasnt what she had signed up for when she decided to become a dentists assistant. so my vomit was on her and we did it again and short story longish i got a mouph gard but i dont faux with it. so my fang teeth are hella grinded down and and one day soon they will get down to the nerve and those who are close to me will have to visist me with ice-cream and flowers to console me for my pain. and i will puke on anyone. i puked on 2 people in my life. how many have you puked on? i bet you havnt vomited on 2 people. and thats whats up. tonight i drank seagrams gin and a 32 oz of snapple ice tea. lemon blood. i dont faux with peach. i meant to get a pint of seagrams whiskey but my dude nikolatias totally fauxed me over and got me gin. the last time i drank gin, which just to happend to be the first time, i got stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid. and i cannot go into it now but i was a bad situation and if i remember my password i will totally do this again. big ups to the delete key. big ups to jack for lettign me faux with his computer while mine is out of comission due to excessive pornography viewing, which i will totally go into full detail on later. dont grind your teeth. fuck a bitch all day every single day and fuck bars. it is in my personal opion that people under the age of 21 shoudl not go to bars. because they suck. and they shoudl keep it triple triv drinking in public parks.