New Pants + Semen = old pants

The official moment that your new pants become no longer new is when you get semen on them. Sometimes this could take quite while. We may have different ideas of what quite a while means. None the less, it is a special moment for a pair of pants and one which should be celebrated. There is no need to invite close friends. just you and your pants should be satisfactory for such a celebration. Its kind of like a bar mitzvah for your pants. you have seen them grow up. you remember when you took the tags off. now they have semen on them they have surely made the jump from adolescence to young adulthood.
Semen on your pants should really be a private matter between you and your pants. depending on the location where the semen ended up on your pants, you could maybe sport a tall-t to hide the semen stain.
I should probably ask a girl but i would imagine the bigger the semen stain on your pants the more impressed girls will be. or dudes. women want a man who is real poh-int.

DOORBUSTERS!

Full of food. Set your alarm. Wake upon when alarm beckons. GET SOME FUCKING DOORBUSTERS! Retail prices are for assholes. Get a free gift. Become so excited you might explode. Drink some water. Cool Down. DOORBUSTERS! They call them doorbusters because when the store opens you bust in the fucking door and get your free gift and get some deals!
Go to liquor stores and ask what it do with the doorbusters. Demand doorbuster prices. Try to buy things from people on the street they are not selling. DO NOT settle for a high price. you deserve a doorbuster.
Do not limit doorbusters to buying things. Involve doorbusters in your sex life.
Everyone thinks women are the only thing that like the doorbuster but this is not true. Man like the doorbuster to. big TV? SIIIIIIICK! better bust in. doorbusters!

How to Pee at the Beach

99% of the time i say fuck the beach. I do go sometimes but I try to avoid the sand which makes it difficult to socialize. I did make an exception yesterday as the weather was quite divine. After downing a couple brohnsons i suddenly realized that I needed to release some urine and time was of the essence as my bladder was quite full. Usually I will pee wherever I please when in front of public but there were a lot of little kids around and with no structure to face as the urine goes a flyin i wanted to avoid any little kids seeing my penis. Not being a sex offender is high on my list of things I want to do with my life. Hoping to avoid the social faux pas of peeing in my pants I had to think quick. Here is a short tutorial on how to pee at the beach:


























1) dig yourself a hole. unless you always have shovel handy your hands will probably suffice. avoid digging this hole next to small children.


2) get yourself a beach towel. Unzip your pants ahead of time. Approach the hole you have dug as though you are not about to pee in it. That's kind of the vibe you are going for throughout this process. Put the towel on your back kind of like a cape and lay down upon the hole with your penis positioned above the hole.

3) let the urine loose!

The towel will help you to pee without public noticing. Its always good to cover up the hole after you are done. If executed properly, you too can pee at the beach without having to introduce yourself to your new neighbors as having exposed yourself to children. good luck.

RIP MICHAEL JACKSON

ive been thinking about doing this post for a while and in light of the man's death i guess now is a good time. Two years ago i got really into "I always feel like someones watching me" with rockwell. Shortly after that i found some other fantastic songs using that as a sample. here is a brief list. there might be more.

Michael Jackson "Somebodys watching me"
whats not to like.


Master P "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me"
Master P's verse is fucking fire. Besides the fact that he refuses to "run from any motherfucking white folks" i especially like the part where the crackhead offers P a ride yet P still feels it neccesary to put his gun to the guys head.

Killa Tay featuring Fat Tone "Jocking Me"
Fat Tone? yeah. Great spin on the classic track. I cant really relate to other peoples bitches jocking me but it sounds like an exciting/stressful position to be in.


The Pack "I'm Shinnin'"
Let the good times roll.



rip to the king of pop

What Happend At Work Today Part 3

We sell holsters. most of the time, people buy them for some sort of costume. Less often the customer will make it clear it is being purchased for a gun they own. Today, an old guy came in and wanted to see the holsters. He didnt look like a costume party kind of guy to me but you never know. I showed him a couple different kinds. After carefully looking at each one he told me he had his gun with him but didnt know if it was a good idea to pull it out. I suggested he could use the fitting room as long as he was "extra careful." after some time in the fitting room i asked if he needed any help. he asked me to help secure the shoulder strap. it was a tight squeeze with me, the old man, and his gun in that fitting room but in the end it all worked out. he liked it so much he wore it out.

What Happend At Work Today Part 2

A man stumbled in with a walker. I inquired as to whether or not he would require my assistance in finding his desired purchase. He mumbled something about just getting out of general. He smelled pretty bad but considering my personal frequency of bathing, this sort of thing does not really bother me. The man found his way to our selection of sweatpants, released his hands from the walker, and hit the deck like he was in one of those trust exercises and his partner was untrustworthy. He spent the next 45 minutes on the floor. He spent roughly the first 15 minutes getting his pants off. I went to check on him and he was lying on the floor naked except for a tshirt and socks. The smell was getting worse but again, who i am to judge? He selected the sweatpants he wanted. A nice hunter green. good choice! he then spent the next 15 minutes getting the pants on. The remaining 15 minutes were spent napping. When he left I went to check out the location where it all went down. I could not believe it. He had left us a little gift in the form of feces from his personal collection. Customers began walking in and leaving quite quickly. action had to be taken. That very day my coworker gave me a spiders jersey which i have wanted for a very long time. Because of this I felt it was my duty to clean up the mess. I got a bag and put it over my mouth and wiped up the poop, vomiting in the bag as i cleaned. it was a great day.

What Happend At Work Today Part 1

Two large Hispanic men entered the store and started looking at stuff. I guess they had parked their car in the cut-out just outside the store and therefore felt it necessary to check periodically if their car was being ticketed or towed away. After about ten minutes one went to go check on the car and came back, his dark skin turned pale in fright. He started screaming at his friend in Spanish. It was odd to see such intimidating gentlemen so frightened especially since I did not know what it was they were scared of. What I made out was that some people were in their car. They looked like the type of guys who could handle a situation like this but another factor seemed to have entered the scenario in which they knew they would not get their car back. After some quick debating over the situation, two knives were purchased, my fellow employee was instructed to keep the change, and a request was made by them to be let out the back of the store.
Two minutes later a young African American gentlemen entered the store. After a quick look around he asked me, "where those two fat Mexican niggas went." I told him I was not sure who he was referring to as many obese peoples of all colors come to my lovely place of employment. "Fuck that," he said as he continued his search of the entire store including the back area which has a sign clearly stating employees were only allowed in that area. Although I sometimes enjoy being a dick about people going back there I thought that this was one of those times when I should live and let live. I told him maybe they had left out the front which he said was impossible as many of his close friends were waiting there. I inquired about what was going on and he told me that the two obese Hispanic men in question had something which belonged to him. Then he left.
Two minutes can make all the difference in the world. Two minutes can be the difference between living a lonely life of masturbation and constant cheeseburger consumption and finding a true love. Two minutes can also be the difference of a somewhat interesting story about my day at work and a bloody may-lay; the results of which might cut into my precious time at work.