Saturday, January 08, 2011

The Great Hibernation

I just dont like music that is aboot pimping as i used to. I find it rather depressing. There are a lot of albums that I used to love that I no longer even fancy. It is just kind of gross.

anyway, as many people who smoke too much pot tend to do I come up with a lot of of ideas for movies or songs or stuff that I will never actually execute but rather just use it as conversational masterbation. But, the idea is for a short story about a guy who sits down after everyone leaves at a baseball game and has a garbage bag and collects all the discarded french fries so that he can bring them home to his family to feed them. He has a big freezer and he saves all the discarded food he collects. Left over chicken tenders are the holy grail of discarded food he finds.
During the end of the season, he must collect more than usual to save up for the off season. During the off season, they do not eat. This is why left over chicken tenders become so crucial.
The man is sad but he might make you want to cry because he is having such a difficult time collecting discarded food after baseball games. Some might say why not get a regular job where one could purchase food that has not not been eaten by someone else. But the truth is he just really likes baseball and even more than he likes baseball he likes to complain.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


I pose a question:
Is it possible to ride a certain type of bicycle and not be an asshole?
For me, apparently it is not.
I once hated fixed gears. I thought they were horrible and I thought the people who rode them were horrible. I felt this way for a long time.
One day I found a fixed gear. I always thought it was cool. It was a guilty pleasure like the counting crows. This turned me into a fixed gear sympathizer. "Yeah I have a fixed gear, but I'm not like those other assholes who ride them," I thought. And for a while I wasnt...

Fast forward two years later and I am just another hipster who has a fixed gear. I judge people who have brakes. I think to myself, "You might think you are cool with your fixed gear but you have a brake. You are a loser. Oh, you put your foot down at red lights? You are an idiot. I can track stand all day. I could probably jerk off and trackstand. If you know any girls that want to fellate me while I trackstand send them my way. As long as she have feather earrings. I am better than you, not only at fixed gearing, but probably at life."

This should give you a pretty good idea about how insecure I am.

I constantly feel the need to go faster than everyone. When I bike down market, I need to be ahead of the pack. If someone thinks they can go faster than me, I will literally do whatever I need to to keep up or pass them.

I can skid stop with the best of them. I will rock out on a 15 foot skid with some sweet fishtailing in front of girls at busstops and think it is moistening their vaginas when in reality they probably think, "what an idiot."

I started all of this with the intention that I would exist as just another person on a bicycle. As you can see, it did not turn out that way.

Its sad, but that is an incredibly accurate representation of how I feel as I ride my fixed gear bicycle around.

Why not have brakes? my ego...
It is hard to admit, but I would never ride a fixed gear bike with a brake. I should be able to. I should be able to not care what people think about me and live my life as best I know how. But...I will not ride with a brake.

If anyone actually reads this, your opinion of me will no doubt go downhill. That is ok. As I said, this is how I feel for better or worse.

Dont cry

Sunday, November 07, 2010


here is a good idea:

it is exactly what it sounds like. rather than a jar, it is a tube that you put tips in. The tube will make the tipping experience more exciting for both the tipper and the tipee.

This is the kind of outside of the box thinking that has never landed me a job where I get tips.

Nonetheless, I feel that someone should do this. The jar is played.

Its fun sliding coins down anything.

Ideally, the business the tip tube would be in would have something to do with tubes. This might be a stretch but if people were presented with the opportunity to say "tubular" before, after, or during the time they are tipping that would really bring this whole thing together.

I wish I had more money.
When I do, I bet I will be wishing for the same thing.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

New Pants + Semen = old pants

The official moment that your new pants become no longer new is when you get semen on them. Sometimes this could take quite while. We may have different ideas of what quite a while means. None the less, it is a special moment for a pair of pants and one which should be celebrated. There is no need to invite close friends. just you and your pants should be satisfactory for such a celebration. Its kind of like a bar mitzvah for your pants. you have seen them grow up. you remember when you took the tags off. now they have semen on them they have surely made the jump from adolescence to young adulthood.
Semen on your pants should really be a private matter between you and your pants. depending on the location where the semen ended up on your pants, you could maybe sport a tall-t to hide the semen stain.
I should probably ask a girl but i would imagine the bigger the semen stain on your pants the more impressed girls will be. or dudes. women want a man who is real poh-int.

Saturday, November 28, 2009


Full of food. Set your alarm. Wake upon when alarm beckons. GET SOME FUCKING DOORBUSTERS! Retail prices are for assholes. Get a free gift. Become so excited you might explode. Drink some water. Cool Down. DOORBUSTERS! They call them doorbusters because when the store opens you bust in the fucking door and get your free gift and get some deals!
Go to liquor stores and ask what it do with the doorbusters. Demand doorbuster prices. Try to buy things from people on the street they are not selling. DO NOT settle for a high price. you deserve a doorbuster.
Do not limit doorbusters to buying things. Involve doorbusters in your sex life.
Everyone thinks women are the only thing that like the doorbuster but this is not true. Man like the doorbuster to. big TV? SIIIIIIICK! better bust in. doorbusters!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

How to Pee at the Beach

99% of the time i say fuck the beach. I do go sometimes but I try to avoid the sand which makes it difficult to socialize. I did make an exception yesterday as the weather was quite divine. After downing a couple brohnsons i suddenly realized that I needed to release some urine and time was of the essence as my bladder was quite full. Usually I will pee wherever I please when in front of public but there were a lot of little kids around and with no structure to face as the urine goes a flyin i wanted to avoid any little kids seeing my penis. Not being a sex offender is high on my list of things I want to do with my life. Hoping to avoid the social faux pas of peeing in my pants I had to think quick. Here is a short tutorial on how to pee at the beach:

1) dig yourself a hole. unless you always have shovel handy your hands will probably suffice. avoid digging this hole next to small children.

2) get yourself a beach towel. Unzip your pants ahead of time. Approach the hole you have dug as though you are not about to pee in it. That's kind of the vibe you are going for throughout this process. Put the towel on your back kind of like a cape and lay down upon the hole with your penis positioned above the hole.

3) let the urine loose!

The towel will help you to pee without public noticing. Its always good to cover up the hole after you are done. If executed properly, you too can pee at the beach without having to introduce yourself to your new neighbors as having exposed yourself to children. good luck.

Thursday, June 25, 2009


ive been thinking about doing this post for a while and in light of the man's death i guess now is a good time. Two years ago i got really into "I always feel like someones watching me" with rockwell. Shortly after that i found some other fantastic songs using that as a sample. here is a brief list. there might be more.

Michael Jackson "Somebodys watching me"
whats not to like.

Master P "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me"
Master P's verse is fucking fire. Besides the fact that he refuses to "run from any motherfucking white folks" i especially like the part where the crackhead offers P a ride yet P still feels it neccesary to put his gun to the guys head.

Killa Tay featuring Fat Tone "Jocking Me"
Fat Tone? yeah. Great spin on the classic track. I cant really relate to other peoples bitches jocking me but it sounds like an exciting/stressful position to be in.

The Pack "I'm Shinnin'"
Let the good times roll.

rip to the king of pop
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