How to Pee at the Beach

99% of the time i say fuck the beach. I do go sometimes but I try to avoid the sand which makes it difficult to socialize. I did make an exception yesterday as the weather was quite divine. After downing a couple brohnsons i suddenly realized that I needed to release some urine and time was of the essence as my bladder was quite full. Usually I will pee wherever I please when in front of public but there were a lot of little kids around and with no structure to face as the urine goes a flyin i wanted to avoid any little kids seeing my penis. Not being a sex offender is high on my list of things I want to do with my life. Hoping to avoid the social faux pas of peeing in my pants I had to think quick. Here is a short tutorial on how to pee at the beach:


























1) dig yourself a hole. unless you always have shovel handy your hands will probably suffice. avoid digging this hole next to small children.


2) get yourself a beach towel. Unzip your pants ahead of time. Approach the hole you have dug as though you are not about to pee in it. That's kind of the vibe you are going for throughout this process. Put the towel on your back kind of like a cape and lay down upon the hole with your penis positioned above the hole.

3) let the urine loose!

The towel will help you to pee without public noticing. Its always good to cover up the hole after you are done. If executed properly, you too can pee at the beach without having to introduce yourself to your new neighbors as having exposed yourself to children. good luck.

RIP MICHAEL JACKSON

ive been thinking about doing this post for a while and in light of the man's death i guess now is a good time. Two years ago i got really into "I always feel like someones watching me" with rockwell. Shortly after that i found some other fantastic songs using that as a sample. here is a brief list. there might be more.

Michael Jackson "Somebodys watching me"
whats not to like.


Master P "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me"
Master P's verse is fucking fire. Besides the fact that he refuses to "run from any motherfucking white folks" i especially like the part where the crackhead offers P a ride yet P still feels it neccesary to put his gun to the guys head.

Killa Tay featuring Fat Tone "Jocking Me"
Fat Tone? yeah. Great spin on the classic track. I cant really relate to other peoples bitches jocking me but it sounds like an exciting/stressful position to be in.


The Pack "I'm Shinnin'"
Let the good times roll.



rip to the king of pop

What Happend At Work Today Part 3

We sell holsters. most of the time, people buy them for some sort of costume. Less often the customer will make it clear it is being purchased for a gun they own. Today, an old guy came in and wanted to see the holsters. He didnt look like a costume party kind of guy to me but you never know. I showed him a couple different kinds. After carefully looking at each one he told me he had his gun with him but didnt know if it was a good idea to pull it out. I suggested he could use the fitting room as long as he was "extra careful." after some time in the fitting room i asked if he needed any help. he asked me to help secure the shoulder strap. it was a tight squeeze with me, the old man, and his gun in that fitting room but in the end it all worked out. he liked it so much he wore it out.

What Happend At Work Today Part 2

A man stumbled in with a walker. I inquired as to whether or not he would require my assistance in finding his desired purchase. He mumbled something about just getting out of general. He smelled pretty bad but considering my personal frequency of bathing, this sort of thing does not really bother me. The man found his way to our selection of sweatpants, released his hands from the walker, and hit the deck like he was in one of those trust exercises and his partner was untrustworthy. He spent the next 45 minutes on the floor. He spent roughly the first 15 minutes getting his pants off. I went to check on him and he was lying on the floor naked except for a tshirt and socks. The smell was getting worse but again, who i am to judge? He selected the sweatpants he wanted. A nice hunter green. good choice! he then spent the next 15 minutes getting the pants on. The remaining 15 minutes were spent napping. When he left I went to check out the location where it all went down. I could not believe it. He had left us a little gift in the form of feces from his personal collection. Customers began walking in and leaving quite quickly. action had to be taken. That very day my coworker gave me a spiders jersey which i have wanted for a very long time. Because of this I felt it was my duty to clean up the mess. I got a bag and put it over my mouth and wiped up the poop, vomiting in the bag as i cleaned. it was a great day.

What Happend At Work Today Part 1

Two large Hispanic men entered the store and started looking at stuff. I guess they had parked their car in the cut-out just outside the store and therefore felt it necessary to check periodically if their car was being ticketed or towed away. After about ten minutes one went to go check on the car and came back, his dark skin turned pale in fright. He started screaming at his friend in Spanish. It was odd to see such intimidating gentlemen so frightened especially since I did not know what it was they were scared of. What I made out was that some people were in their car. They looked like the type of guys who could handle a situation like this but another factor seemed to have entered the scenario in which they knew they would not get their car back. After some quick debating over the situation, two knives were purchased, my fellow employee was instructed to keep the change, and a request was made by them to be let out the back of the store.
Two minutes later a young African American gentlemen entered the store. After a quick look around he asked me, "where those two fat Mexican niggas went." I told him I was not sure who he was referring to as many obese peoples of all colors come to my lovely place of employment. "Fuck that," he said as he continued his search of the entire store including the back area which has a sign clearly stating employees were only allowed in that area. Although I sometimes enjoy being a dick about people going back there I thought that this was one of those times when I should live and let live. I told him maybe they had left out the front which he said was impossible as many of his close friends were waiting there. I inquired about what was going on and he told me that the two obese Hispanic men in question had something which belonged to him. Then he left.
Two minutes can make all the difference in the world. Two minutes can be the difference between living a lonely life of masturbation and constant cheeseburger consumption and finding a true love. Two minutes can also be the difference of a somewhat interesting story about my day at work and a bloody may-lay; the results of which might cut into my precious time at work.

I'm A Fucking Humanitarian

It is difficult to maintain a blog when you spend the majority of your time being a fucking humanitarian all the time. It takes a tole on you mentally and physically, especially around the penis-area. Whether it be trying to hook up your insane little brother with your car that does not work in exchange for an ipod, which it turns out also does not work, or awkwardly making conversation with the blind while waiting for the bus, whenever I can, I display my king arthur-esque chivalry. My latest act of being a totally cool dude occur ed where it usually does when I was wandering around the train tracks by my house. I came upon a homeless who quickly offered me an expensive bicycle for the mere price of twomp dollar. He said he would throw in a laptop (and the charger!) for free. I jumped on that shit like an old couple searching for an antique dresser who happened to find the exact antique dresser they were looking for. The bike had a U-lock on the bike already which i found odd. The man i bought it from informed me that the person he had stolen it from had only used some other kind of kind of "faggot" lock and then went on to tell me how stupid she was. He also told me how this sort of business transaction was real "frisco shit." So there I was with an awesome new bicycle and a laptop, which turned out to work.
It was the next day in my math class when my humanitarian nature kicked in like a women's sex drive somewhere in her late twenties to early thirties. Although I had already recieved an offer for one hundred dollars and zero cents for the bike, I did what Kirby Pucket would have done and threw the bike up on craigslist asking for a description and that I would give the bike back. It was later that night that I received a phone call from the owner who was super pumped on me and it seemed she totally wanted to mouthiphy my wang. When i gave the bike back the next day, my humanitarian ways totally payed off. I increased my karma points like, by like, fuckin, 10 points, which is a fucking lot. She also gave me eighty bucks which was awesome as being a humanitarian totally paid off. As we were departing from each other, she awkwardly told me that she had been joking with her boyfriend about how she should mouthiphy my wang. It kind of caught me off guard so i kind of laughed like you might laugh at a really scary dude telling you a racist joke. I had told her already about my small girlfriend so she said she was off the hook. In a perfect world we would not have money but rather we could barter goods and services for sexual favors. I know a couple guys that would be millionaires.
As for the laptop, I also put that up on craigslist but have recieved no responses. As much as I would like to take another hit of Air Jordan Heroin and continue to blow my money on shoes, I once again took the Mother Teresa route and told my coworker that I would give it to her. She has never owned a computer because she doesn't want her sons "jacking off all the time." its an understandable concern but when I told her about all the cheap angel figurines you can buy on EBay she was sold. I also split 40 sets of skateboard wheels that the dude stole from the Delux warehouse which I will be selling or trading for Luna Bars. If you want some skate wheels for cheaps or if you have an impressive stockpile of Luna bars maybe we can work something out. Get at your dude.

Speech Class

I am taking a speech class at school. Much like Michael Jordan thought he would be good at baseball, I thought I would be good at giving speeches. I guess that is a pretty bad comparison. Maybe I am the Michael Jordan of bong ripping. Maybe not. Anyhoo, here is a horrible speech I gave last week. I did not rehearse it and after I got home from work I read it over. It kind of reads like a bad stand up routine. Enjoy if you can:



Good morning everyone. How many of you are sick and tired of biting into a delicious sandwich only to have its contents tumble back onto your plate, or worse your lap. Unless you enjoy having dirty pants, a non-structurally sound sandwich has the potential to ruin any good Samaritans day. Don’t you wish you could just get the whole contents of the sandwich in your mouth without having to worry about the sandwich falling apart? To all of you fed up consumers out there, there is an option for you besides putting whatever you like in a sandwich between two pieces of bread and that option is called the tortilla. The tortilla will encase what it is you enjoy eating in a friendly looking cylindrical container where your food is guaranteed to remain well within the boundaries of the eating surface and your mouth.

Whatever your favorite food is, chances are you could put it in a tortilla. During this speech I will inform you about the history of the tortilla and propose a couple of affordable recipes you may have overlooked directly involving the tortilla. Tortillas are affordable and what with soaring bread prices these days, they will not only help you masticate on your favorite snack in fashion, but they will help you keep your hard earned money.

Tortillas have been around long before Europeans came to America. They are made from finely ground corn or wheat flour. Flour tortillas are a product of regions of Mexico not having the ability to grow corn in certain areas. Tortillas have been used and prepared in many different ways throughout history. They are the backbone of the Mexican diet. Tortillas are made by grinding down hardened corn kernels. The kernels, at first are too difficult to grind down because they are so hard. In order to get them to a state in which they can be grinded down into a powder, the kernels are cooked with lime, which removes the hard husk surrounding the kernel. After the husk is removed, the kernels are ready to be grinded down into a powder. The powder is then formed into balls and shaped into a flat circle where it is then cooked.

The Aztec diet was based on tortillas and remains today the backbone of the Mexican diet. Tortillas are a very versatile bread which can be used to wrap around anything. An example of this is the chilimaccuritto which utilizes chili, macaroni, and of course, the tortilla. For those of you who crave affordable snacks which are easy prepare and serve as a nice mid-day snack as well as a late night treat for those of you dedicated students burning the midnight oil, the chilimaccuritto can not be beat. It will leave your stomach full as well as your wallet. As someone who has never made more than ten dollars an hour I am well versed in getting the most for my money when it comes to dining. With the knowledge I will share with you for how to make the chilimacurrito, you can prepare your own or tweak the recipe to your satisfaction.

Mixing chili with macaroni is a meal widely enjoyed in the Midwest and can even be found on menus in restaurants out there. Rather than spending time dillydallying with a fork, just use a tortilla to wrap up the whole snack and avoid the mess. Whatscookingamerica.net says that tortillas are commonly used as eating utensils. Perhaps they too were hoping to avoid washing the dishes.

Whatscookingamerica.net also mentions how the versatility of the tortilla is seemingly endless. For this reason, I would encourage you to put whatever you want within a tortilla the next time you make your favorite meal. I have put everything from macaroni and cheese to Chinese food within the confines of the timeless tortilla. Next time you get some take out Indian food, mix some rice with chicken tika masala, throw it into a tortilla and have a blast! Even you non meat eaters out there can get in on the fun with a salad wrapped tightly within a tortilla. Heck, you could even blend a cheeseburger and put that inside a tortilla.

In conclusion, I hope that you will ponder the amazing history of the tortilla next time you scarf one down and that you give one of my recipes a whirl next time you are feeling lonely and/or desperate. Thank you.



i got a C. i was just happy i didnt fail.