Would Jesus Rip Bong?

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Unless your a total idiot, you are up on whats happening in the supreme court with this big debate that kind of has to do with bongs. Up until quite recently (5 minutes ago to be exact) I was also living in a world where I was not aware of this, shall i say debate of the century. apparently, some really cool dude whose hand i would love to shake, thought (and was correct in thinking so) that it would be funny to put up a poster in his high school which read "bong hits for jesus." pretty good. I would have said rips but i guess he is from Alaska or some shit so he isnt as metropolitan as I am. Good for him though. If there is anything Highschool teachers dont like its bong references. this is where my teachers and I did not see eye to eye. Sparks flew. Sparks flew even more for this genius alaskan dude with his poster who was suspended for like 10 days for his antics.


here is what actually happend:

http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2007/03/19/28speech_web.h26.html

yeah your going to have to copy and paste that. cry me a fucking river.


this debate brings up more questions which I dont think the supreme court is thinking about. Try to follow this: What is the coolest way to get pot smoke into your body. The answer is obviosuly via bong. Bong have been ripped since before jesus was around. I even heard from a little bird that jesus ripped bong. Had the alaskan genious boy just said "jesus totally tokes" I might get pissed too. All im saying is give this guy a fucking break. At least he made bongs a large part of his poster. Thats funny! Anything that has to do with bongs for some reason is funny. Im really starting to lose focus here and this isnt the kind of thing I want to make more than a 20 minute project. Jesus christ.



If jesus is anything like me, I dont think he would trip off people ripping bong. If jesus returns the first people he is going to yell at (or whatever he does) will probably be the jersk who keep letting their dog poop in front of my house every single morning. Im going to start waking up at the crack of dawn urry morning and find out who this asshole is and then he will have hell to fucking pay. Im not kidding. His life will become a living hell. The first day I see him I am going to scoop up his dogs poop, then I will follow him to his house and nail him in the head with it. then until I die or move away, he will find poop collected from around the neighborhood smeared on his house. And if he calls the cops im gonna smear the poop on his house so it reads "snitch". This is street justice in its rawest form. learn about it.

Mary Kate and Ashley Lightweight Go Part 2

They cant stop...they wont stop.

I know you guys have not been able to sleep at not in high anticipation for more Mary kate and Ashley music videos! Well wait no nore! it was rough but i had to narrow it down to my next favorite four (my top four were featured in "Mary Kate and Ashley Lightweight Go Part 1" Obviiiiiiiiii) and the task certainly proved to be difficult. So here you go, the top eight MK&A music videos of all time in my opinion.




"Going Through Our Moms Stuff"
This song honestly goes. If I could get this song me would slaps it all day in my CD player. It is a wild trip through several decades of fashion. It really like 3 or 4 mini songs within one fantastic one. Unfortunately for me, going through my mothers stuff was not as educational or satisfying. I had a knack for finding things that I would have rather not seen which I do not wish to go into on the internets but rest assured, every time i went through my moms stuff, it ruined my week. Whatever you do, dont let my mothers vices stop you from enjoying the magic that is this song. It fuckin rules.




"Mummies Have Mommies Too"
Let us examine the "actor" in this music video. Was he excited when his agent brought him this part? Was he excited when he got this part? Did he tell his friends about it in a posotive way? Does he have any friends? What is he doing today? Does he put the fact that he was in this music video on his resume?
anyhoo, the beat cracks and once again MK&A go hard in the paint with their dance moves which are somewhat reminiscent of "Walk Like" which is my favorite MK&A song.




"Lotta Rocks"
Im not really sure what they were going for on this one. At first I thought it might be about selling crack. It wasnt. This is kind of like the "Sand, Sand, Glorious Sand" video in the sense that they seem overly excited by things that I look past on a daily basis. Like rocks and sand. I do sometimes wish, when I am ripping bong and watching T.V. while eating deep fried macaroni and cheese, that I could go back to a time when things were a little simpler. A time when if I wanted to rip a bong, I would have to kill a sheep and turn its leg bone into a bong. Sometimes I take for granted the fact that I can just mosey down to the store and buy a bong. I guess MK&A and I really look eye to eye on some important issues. This comforts me when I lay my head to rest at night.




"b-u-t-t out"
FUCK YEAH! fuck little brothers and sisters trying to tag along with you and your friends. B-U-T-T OUT! what a goddamn relatable problem. Here is a quote from the comments ont he youtube page, "Me and my friend Kimberly used to sing this to her little sister Nicole and we sang in front of their mother one day and we got in trouble." wow! way to take this fantastic song and cut and paste it right into your own life! The beat is packing some old skool swag. Although I can understand other people not wanting to hang out with their younger siblings, I always found life was much more interesting when my little brother was around. He really kept me on my toes with his nonstop lying and offering himself to do anything for $1. I remember once when i was little, me and my friend wanted to see "Mars Attacks" and i convinced my dad to take me. He agreed, as long as i didnt mind my little brother coming. My dad explained life was a littel give and take. good lesson. i cant have my bong and rip it too. life isnt always fair. Anyway, whether it was a movie or a baseball game, my brother was not in it for the entertainment, he was in it for the hot dogs. He must have been seven because his policy was one hot dog for every year he had been alive and I recollect him saying seven. He consumed his required seven hot dogs at a not so crowded west portal theatre and just before the invasion was on, he threw up EVERYWHERE! My dad had to walk out of the theatre, covered in vomit followed by my crying brother and me and my pissed off friend. GOOD LOOKIN OUT POPS! YOU GO!





Before ending this ode to MK&A I should explain that unlike some other extrememly rich people, MK&A werent given any money. They worked hella hard for it doing stupid ass shit like all these music videos which will haunt them for the rest of their lives. They lost their child hoods and look at them now. I dont want to come off as judgemental or anything but they seem like coke-head sluts. Which is a shame, they should have copped a couple pairs of jordans, a couple sweet bongs and just chilled out. So yeah, pro-bono has respek for people who work hard for the money even if they are hella weak.

RIP me

That’s not a bong...That’s a deep fryer! And my roommate’s awesome girlfriend bought one for him so I'm telling people its mine and that she bought it for me. Luckily my roommate does not know how to read so I don’t have to worry about him ever reading this. As you may or may not know, very few medical doctors would describe my diet as "healthy." Comparable to giving a loaded gun to a horny blind woman and telling her it’s a vibrator, me having a deep fryer readily available to me probably is not a good idea. I might go as far as to say that a deep fryer is the absolute last thing that I needed to have in my life.



My roommate immediately put into place a rule where I am not allowed to use his new death toy without his immediate supervision. Here is how it went down for me...emotionally:

1) ANGER
Who is this asshole tell me when I can and cannot deep fry macaroni and cheese wrapped in a tortilla? does he think I am some sort of baby? incapable of making good choices on my own? Do I get no respect?!

2) FEAR
I wont last a week with this thing in my house. I will surely see my demise before I can even begin to delve into some really intense experimentation. Why does god create such dangerous weapons and put them right in the hands of man?

3) CAN I PERHAPS PROFIT FROM THIS DEVICE WHICH I DID NOT PAY FOR AND IS IN NO WAY REALLY MINE?
I certainly think so. My block, although quiet, is somewhat of a thoroughfare for residents of the hill. Im sure the general public would love to pay top dollar for my amazing food ideas. Its all about appearance

a couple sit-ups and I can add some sex appeal to the whole eating deep fryed food prepared in front of my house thing.


if I could dress a dog up like a chef people really might start talking.


im gonna go deep fry some chocolate bars.

She had never heard anyone puke that much...for such an extended period of time.

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Reality hit me like a fucking brick to the noggin when I awoke March 13th feeling fresh and wreaking of legal drinking age. The previous evening had been spent drinking in the park, in part to honor tradition and partly because I had to wait till the clock struck 12 until I could try to enter a bar with my piece of paper driving permit that which is clearly labeled "NOT A VALID IDENTIFICATION." I was off to a classic start and possessed high hopes for getting drunk in a bar. Anyhoo, after meeting a Mexican man who was down on his luck and brushing up on some of my espanol (mi cumpleanos ir?) I went to a bar where I downed many whiskey sours without paying for anything. Which was good because my networth on my birthday was less than twenty dollars and I was unable to acess what little money I had. Maybe buying more gold teeph was a bad idea. But then again...maybe it wasnt. And then BOOM! lickity split I was blackout drunk with my legs through the arm holes of a t-shirt with a belt to keep the whole operation going strong. I ate some gross food that had apparently been sitting out for two days then threw up for about a half hour straight.

It was a good burfday. I didnt get beaten up and my mother didnt cry.

FAQ's

Here are just a few of the frequenly asked questions i receive on a somewhat daily basis:

1) What are my chances of having sex with you?

better than you think! shoot me a photo and a small summary of your hobbies and interersting things you are into sexually. perhaps we can work something out.

2) Why are you so funny?

i spend eight hours a day completely miserable thinking of witty things to say

3) Can you draw one of those sweet stussy "S"'s?

as a matter of fact I can.


if you want to learn how, give me a holler!




Me birthday is the day after today. tomarrow. im turning 21. unfortunately i dont have any sort of identification other than that of BIG BROTHER over at the nation of thizzlam and i want to play up the fact that it is my birthday for potential free. drinks. yeah, im thinking of going to delirium. or pops. bit i will probably stick with what is tried and true and requires no id and where you might get beat up by former gang bangers: JACKS, the worst bar in the world.

or i can stay home and enjoy the good stuff.

finally

...and thats why they call me floppy.

Man, if those fingers could tell stories! WHOOHOO! I can tell you they would be pretty wild. Thats actually not true. I was lying. Im relatively sexually inexpierienced.
My life is going well. My room is really clean and I have a calendar now. Unfortunately, it appears i have nothing planned for the whole year. I like to mark each day with a big red X so that it appears to guests there is some sort of count going on. It looks good. Aside from this good news, my dirty fingernails are holding me back. I feel i have lots of potential but my gross fingernails are doing me nothing but a diservice. Eventually its just not gonna fly anymore with all the suits out there who are constantly riding me. Lay off jerks! At some time in the near future, i will come upon a fork in the road in which I must take one of two ways:

1)continue having dirty finger nails

2)bath on a regular basis and have clean fingernails

there are two types of people in this world. those with dirty fingernails, and those without. You can imagine which one of the two tends to be more succesful.

Mary Kate and Ashley Lightweight Go Part 1

When I was 11 and my idiot brother was 8, we went to a barbeque at my Mom's friend's house. There was a hammock on location so naturally i decided to kick my feet up and really enjoy myself. Due to how cool I am, my brother saw me in the hammock and naturally wanted to take my place. NOT BLOODY LIKELY! I had him bring me various beverages with the promise that in due time, he would be able to enjoy the hammock in place of me. After nearly an hour of this he started to become quite aggitated. I told him that if he re-enacted the mary kate and ashley dance where they put one hand in front of you face up and the other behind you face down and muttered various things about being Egyptian, that he could have the luxurious hammock. Then my mom came and said we were leaving. He really flipped his shit and ruined the rest of my day. THe point of this story is that Mary Kate and Ashley have been a long time inspiration to me and i just wanted to pay some hommage to them. they earned it!

Here are just of few of the many fantastic music videos:




"Walk Like"
I actually really like this song. no fake. the choreography and special effects are really unmatched by any other entertainers. I first saw this video when i was home sick from school in 4th grade. It was a real mind-fuck then and remians as so today. God bless the Mary Kate and Ashley fans who were kind enough to put these up on the internets.





"No One Tells The President What To Do"
What a relatable problem. Arent you guys sick of grownups telling you what to do all the time. Thats what I like about Mary Kate and Ashley is their ability to relate to people on their own level. I imagine, and apparently they did too, that no one can tell the president what to do, and for this reaon, it would be quite the position to hold. The guy playing Clinton was perfect for the role. I would liek to shake the casting directors hand for that great pick. He even plays the sax. My favorite part it when they threaten to kick an ambassador to the moon for making them not play with their food.





"Brother For Sale"
Once again, another relatable problem here for your average Joe. I know i would like to sell my brother. His skills include smoking lots of pot, lying, and making my parents life a living hell.





"Sand, Sand, Glorious Sand"
Who doesnt like sand? Answer me that. Mary Kate and Ashley straight lace this broad on the importance of sand. I really like this song. It was stuck in my head for about me week. The choreography is nice and simple. I think they kind of look like Larry David's wife in this one. Tell me Im wrong!


Dont worry guys, there will be many more Mary Kate and Ashley music videos coming soon so you dont need to get upset

Stuck in a snack traffic jam? Get into the fast lane with Tom's Bacon Cheddar Fries!

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the good lord spoke to me again last evening and informed me that my quesedillas were lacking something. that something, as it turns out, was Tom's Bacon and Cheddar fries. dont knock it till you try it. I understand it might not sound exactly appetizing and the thought of it now that i am not stoned out of my gourd doesnt sound to great all of a sudden but i put it on me bong that this is just about the best thing i have ever eaten in my life. no fake. here is how i prepared it:

i guess the only difference is that instead of just cheese and tortilla, you add bacon cheddar fries.
there you go

i make my quesedillas on the Foreman

yeah! knock out that fat!

unfortunately, Tom's bacon and cheddar fries totes a whopping 525 calories and 280 of those are from fat. I imagine the foreman still knocks out some of that fat. not that i care about that sort of stuff anyway.

the reason the foreman is so crucial for this delicious snack is that it presses the quesedilla toguether with the top. somehow the bacon cheddar fries fuse with the cheese and you are left with an amazing texture. i like to carefully press the cheese out from the middle so it oozes out onto the foreman creating a crispy edge.

for all you snack lovers out there who wonder sometimes if there is a forum for which you can speak to other snack lovers about new products and long time classics you are in luck for www.taquitos.net (sorry i am completely lost on how to do links and such) is really quite an amazing site which offers serious snackers a great forum for conversation.

if you dont like bacon i dont know why you are reading this blog.
get on my hype

Could it be I am not as charming as I think I am?

I like having sex with girls. i just dont like talking to them. Im kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one. Bongs and Baytin are fun for a while but after a while one needs to at least attempt to add the bots into picture. So last night I tossed my scrotum over my shoulder like a scarf and went to a movie with a girl.

A little bit of advice for you eligable bachelors out there

1)If your going to buy clothing off crackheads, wash it before you wear it out to a movie with a girl you dont know very well. Im not the type of fellow to wear cologne or anything. Im reallying going for a more neutral smell. So no one thinks twice. What i wasnt going for was a hint of homeless. unfortunartely, this was the odor which lingered all abouts me during the three hours of watching Zodiac. then i dropped my mike and ikes all over the floor. Had i been by myself i would have tried to collect them off the ground for further consumption but I thought maybe that wasnt such a great idea. She brought me some reece's pieces which is my favorite candy so that was a good fall back.

2)Dont smoke weed before you meet up. I made several wrong turns which ended up being quite embaressing. Just walking around in everyday life I am incredibnly scared of pretty much everything. When put in a position where i am more or less supposed to impress a girl i dont know very well the results are pure embaressment on my part.

if we go out again im thinking of a couple sweet angles to play up. I might claim i have never recieved oral sex. That could begin a whirlwind of conversation and perhaps a whirlwind of brain for yours truly. unfortunately, this is the only angle i have thought of so far but with a little bit of gargantuan bong rips and some heavy brainstorming i might be able to come up with more material.


me and my bitch