Speech Class

I am taking a speech class at school. Much like Michael Jordan thought he would be good at baseball, I thought I would be good at giving speeches. I guess that is a pretty bad comparison. Maybe I am the Michael Jordan of bong ripping. Maybe not. Anyhoo, here is a horrible speech I gave last week. I did not rehearse it and after I got home from work I read it over. It kind of reads like a bad stand up routine. Enjoy if you can:



Good morning everyone. How many of you are sick and tired of biting into a delicious sandwich only to have its contents tumble back onto your plate, or worse your lap. Unless you enjoy having dirty pants, a non-structurally sound sandwich has the potential to ruin any good Samaritans day. Don’t you wish you could just get the whole contents of the sandwich in your mouth without having to worry about the sandwich falling apart? To all of you fed up consumers out there, there is an option for you besides putting whatever you like in a sandwich between two pieces of bread and that option is called the tortilla. The tortilla will encase what it is you enjoy eating in a friendly looking cylindrical container where your food is guaranteed to remain well within the boundaries of the eating surface and your mouth.

Whatever your favorite food is, chances are you could put it in a tortilla. During this speech I will inform you about the history of the tortilla and propose a couple of affordable recipes you may have overlooked directly involving the tortilla. Tortillas are affordable and what with soaring bread prices these days, they will not only help you masticate on your favorite snack in fashion, but they will help you keep your hard earned money.

Tortillas have been around long before Europeans came to America. They are made from finely ground corn or wheat flour. Flour tortillas are a product of regions of Mexico not having the ability to grow corn in certain areas. Tortillas have been used and prepared in many different ways throughout history. They are the backbone of the Mexican diet. Tortillas are made by grinding down hardened corn kernels. The kernels, at first are too difficult to grind down because they are so hard. In order to get them to a state in which they can be grinded down into a powder, the kernels are cooked with lime, which removes the hard husk surrounding the kernel. After the husk is removed, the kernels are ready to be grinded down into a powder. The powder is then formed into balls and shaped into a flat circle where it is then cooked.

The Aztec diet was based on tortillas and remains today the backbone of the Mexican diet. Tortillas are a very versatile bread which can be used to wrap around anything. An example of this is the chilimaccuritto which utilizes chili, macaroni, and of course, the tortilla. For those of you who crave affordable snacks which are easy prepare and serve as a nice mid-day snack as well as a late night treat for those of you dedicated students burning the midnight oil, the chilimaccuritto can not be beat. It will leave your stomach full as well as your wallet. As someone who has never made more than ten dollars an hour I am well versed in getting the most for my money when it comes to dining. With the knowledge I will share with you for how to make the chilimacurrito, you can prepare your own or tweak the recipe to your satisfaction.

Mixing chili with macaroni is a meal widely enjoyed in the Midwest and can even be found on menus in restaurants out there. Rather than spending time dillydallying with a fork, just use a tortilla to wrap up the whole snack and avoid the mess. Whatscookingamerica.net says that tortillas are commonly used as eating utensils. Perhaps they too were hoping to avoid washing the dishes.

Whatscookingamerica.net also mentions how the versatility of the tortilla is seemingly endless. For this reason, I would encourage you to put whatever you want within a tortilla the next time you make your favorite meal. I have put everything from macaroni and cheese to Chinese food within the confines of the timeless tortilla. Next time you get some take out Indian food, mix some rice with chicken tika masala, throw it into a tortilla and have a blast! Even you non meat eaters out there can get in on the fun with a salad wrapped tightly within a tortilla. Heck, you could even blend a cheeseburger and put that inside a tortilla.

In conclusion, I hope that you will ponder the amazing history of the tortilla next time you scarf one down and that you give one of my recipes a whirl next time you are feeling lonely and/or desperate. Thank you.



i got a C. i was just happy i didnt fail.

Suddenly my penis is looking a bit larger!

There are countless benefits to having a small girlfriend. Where to begin I do not even know. Financially, the benefits are endless. Everything from paying 50 cents on MUNI and telling the driver she is your little sister to getting the 12 and under kids meal at Denny's, my girlfriends lack of mass comes in handy like a hankey! While she stays small my pockets stay relatively fat. I'm all about cutting corners. Think about this...


if you are throwing pokes to broads this size your penis is gonna look pretty small. This poor gentlemen pictured above probably has a normal sized penis but next to this behemoth woman he would be lucky to pleasure her with his leg.

side note: i have this great joke for when I finally get drunk enough to do some stand up comedy about having sex with Tahoe Tessie. The joke is how I am jumping on a trampoline using my body to enter whatever sort of sexual "hole" she may have. The punchline is me asking if she is close.

Anyhoo, having sex with short girls is highly recommended by me and I would even go as far as to say, "once you go small you never go tall!" Suddenly my (in my opinion) normal sized penis looks hella humungy next to my five foot feline. My (in my opinion) normal sized penis used to draw questions from girls such as "do you think I enjoy that?" and "I thought you said you had done this before?" That is all in the past as my penis now acts as a mode of transportation to (in my opinion) pleasuretown!